Fun with Harry

Public Hair

2011-12-14T01:32:00.000-08:00

anti theft bag

2010-09-27T00:46:00.001-07:00

Sign board

2010-09-13T07:21:00.000-07:00

15 Laws for Women to Live by

2008-06-09T12:07:00.001-07:00

15 Laws for Women to Live by

Best way to get a man to do something - suggest they are too old for it.

Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

Don’t imagine you can change a man - unless he’s in diapers.

Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

If he asks what sort of books you’re interested in, tell him checkbooks.

If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

If you want a committed man - look in a mental hospital.

Love is blind - but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

Never let your man’s mind wander - it’s too little to be out alone.

Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes; it means that you laugh at his.

Sadly, all men are created equal.

The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn’t ask for directions.

What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

Women don’t make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

Psychiatric Hotline

2008-06-09T00:40:00.000-07:00

Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

Interesting Answering Machine Messages

2008-06-09T00:21:00.000-07:00

Looking for some smart message to put on your telephone answering machine?
Here are some real examples…

My wife and I can’t come to the phone right now, but if you’ll leave your name and number, we’ll get back to you just as soon as we’re finished.

A is for Academics ... B is for Beer. One of those reasons is why we’re not here. Please leave a message.

Hi. This is John.

If you’re the phone company, I already sent the money.

If you’re my parents, please send me money.

If you are my financial aid institution, you didn’t lend me enough money.

If you are a friend, you owe me money.

If you are a female, I have plenty of money.

Leave your message after the beep.

(Narrator’s voice)

There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly, the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms wind-milling at incredible speeds. Will he make it in time? Alas, no. His valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message. Hi. Now you say something.

Hi. I’m not home right now, but my answering machine is. So you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

Hello, I’m David’s answering machine. What are you?

Hi! John’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these little magnets.

Hello, this is Sally’s microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with a tape deck, so I’m stuck with taking her calls. Say... if you want anything cooked while you’re leaving your message, just hold it up to the phone.

Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need replacement windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you’re still with me, leave your name and number after the beep and they will get back to you.

This is not an answering machine. It is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and the number where I can reach you. I’ll think about returning your call.

Hi. I’m probably home. I’m just avoiding talking with someone I don’t like. Leave me a message, and if I don’t call back, it’s you.

Hi! This is Anna's disembodied voice, she can't come to the phone right now, leave a message or try another plane of existance.

Hi. This is George. Sorry I can’t come to the phone right now. Leave your name and number, then wait by your phone until I call you back.

Hello. If you’re a burglar, then we are probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can’t come to the phone. Otherwise, we are probably not at home and it is safe to leave us a message.

You’re growing tired. Your eyelids are becoming very heavy. You feel sleepy now. You are gradually losing your will power and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone, you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, telephone number and a brief message.

At the sound of the tone, you may leave a message. You have the right to remain silent. However, anything you say will be recorded and may be used by us.

Hello. You’ve reached Jim and Sonya. We can’t come to the phone right now because we’re doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes to do it up and down, and I like doing it left to right ... very slowly. So leave a message, and when we’re done brushing our teeth, we’ll get back to you!

Professor's Definition of a Kiss

2008-06-05T12:06:00.000-07:00

Professors of different subjects define the same word in different ways:

Prof. of Computer Science:
A kiss is a few bits of love compiled into a byte.

Prof. of Algebra:
A kiss is two divided by nothing.

Prof. of Geometry:
A kiss is the shortest distance between two straight lines.

Prof. of Physics:
A kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.

Prof. of Chemistry:
A kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.

Prof. of Zoology:
A kiss is the interchange of unisexual salivary bacteria.

Prof. of Physiology:
A kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicular ors muscles in the state of contraction.

Prof. of Dentistry:
A kiss is infectious and antiseptic.

Prof. of Accountancy:
A kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.

Prof. of Economics:
A kiss is that thing for which the demand is higher than the supply.

Prof. of Statistics:
A kiss is an event whose probability depends on the vital statistics of 36-24-36.

Prof. of Philosophy:
A kiss is the persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth and homage for the old.

Prof. of English:
A kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction; it is more common than proper; it is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all.

Prof. of Engineering:
Uh, What? I'm not familiar with that term.

Universal Grade Change Form

2008-06-05T11:55:00.000-07:00

University: ______________________

To: Professor_____________________

From: __________________________

I think my grade in your course,___________________, should be changed from ______ to _______ for the following reasons:

__1. The persons who copied my paper made a higher grade than I did.

__2. The person whose paper I copied made a higher grade than I did.

__3. This course will lower my Grade Point Average and I won't get into:

__Medical School

__Graduate School

__Dental School

__My Fraternity/Sorority

__The Mickey Mouse Club

__Tri County Tech

__4. I have to get an A in this course to balance the F in: _______________.

__5. I'll lose my scholarship.

__6. I'm on a varsity sports team and my tutor couldn't find a copy of your exam.

__7. I didn't come to class and the person whose notes I used did not cover the material asked for on the exam.

__8. I studied the basic principles and the exam wanted every little fact.

__9. I learned all the facts and definitions but your exams asked about general principles.

__10. You are prejudiced against:

__Males
__Jews
__Blacks
__Females
__Catholics
__Whites
__Protestants
__Moslems
__Minorities
__Chicanos
__People
__Students

__11. If I flunk out of school my father will disinherit me or at least cut my allowance.

__12. I was unable to do well in this course because of the following illness:

__mono
__broken baby finger

__acute alcoholism

__pregnancy
__VD
__fatherhood

__13. You told us to be creative but you didn't tell us exactly how you wanted that done.

__14. I was creative and you said I was just shooting the bull.

__15. I don't have a reason; I just want a higher grade.

__16. The lectures were:

__too detailed to pick out important points

__not explained in sufficient detail

__too boring

__all jokes and not enough material

__all of the above

__17. This course was:

__too early, I was not awake.

__at lunchtime, I was hungry

__too late, I was tired

__18. My (dog, cat, gerbil) (ate, wet on, threw up on) my (book, notes, paper) for this course.

__19. Other__________________________________

Graduation Day at DCE

2008-06-05T11:50:00.000-07:00

Wouldn't it be nice to tell the Dean of your college what you REALLY think about him/her? Well, if you like your Dean as much as I like my Dean, then you'd better keep your mouth shut. I knew I'd get kicked out of the college if I expressed my true feelings, so I remained silent for the last four years.

But yesterday was my graduation. And as I walked across the stage, the Dean handed my diploma to me (nicely scrolled and tied with a ribbon).

Once she handed it to me, I could finally tell that bitch what I REALLY thought about her. So I leaned across her podium and I looked her straight in the eye.

"Hey Bitch," I said. "You're so damn ugly; you could practice birth control just by leaving the lights on!"

And then I walked off the stage, and went home. I gotta tell you that it felt just as good as I had imagined it would for the last four years.

Today, I unwrapped my diploma, framed it, and hung it in the living room, where it proudly exclaims to the world: "In order to receive your diploma, please present this certificate to the Dean of your college after final grades have been posted!"

P.S: This is just a joke to make you people smile,this post doesn't have resemblance to any living person.

Exam Solutions

2008-06-04T10:11:00.000-07:00

Exam Answers

The following questions and answers were collated from Indian Delhi 2008 exams (16 year olds)! Give us strength ... these people are tomorrow's leaders ... my bet is that we will become extinct!

Geography
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Sociology
Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Biology
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen).
A: The body is consisted into three parts-the brainium, theborax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains thebrain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.

Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does *varicose- mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term *Caesarean Section.
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

English
Q: Use the word *judicious- in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q: What does the word *benign- mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Technology
Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears.

IQ TEST

2008-06-04T10:06:00.000-07:00

Intelligence Test Instructions: Write each of your answers down, it makes a difference! You will be allowed 10 minutes to complete the test. Write your answers in the spaces provided. Are you ready ? What is the time?

Start.

1) Some months have 30 days,some months have 31 days. How many months have 28 days? ____________________

2) If a doctor gives you 3 pills and tells you to take one pill every half hour, how long would it be before all the pills had been taken? ____________________

3) I went to bed at eight o'clock in the evening and wound up my clock and set the alarm to sound at nine o'clock in the morning. How many hours sleep would I get before being awoken by the alarm? ____________________

4) Divide 30 by half and add ten. What do you get?____________________

5) A farmer had 17 sheep. All but 9 died. How many live sheep were left? ___________________

6) If you had only one match and entered a COLD and DARK room, where there was an oil heater, an oil lamp and a candle, which would you light first? ____________________

7) A man builds a house with four sides of rectangular construction, each side having a southern exposure. A big bear comes along. What color is the bear? ____________________

8) Take 2 apples from 3 apples. What do you have? ___________________

9) How many animals of each species did Moses take with him in the Ark? ____________________

10) If you drove a bus with 43 people on board from Chicago and stopped at Pittsburg to pick up 7 more people and drop off 5 passengers and at Cleveland to drop off 8 passengers and pick up 4 more and eventually arrive at Philadelphia 20 hours later, what's the name of the driver? ____________________

Answers in the following article - no cheating now! GOOD LUCK!

____________________________________________________

Answers:
1) All of them. Every month has at least 28 days.
2) 1 hour. If you take a pill at 1 o'clock,then another at 1.30 and the last at 2 o'clock,they will be taken in 1 hour.
3) 1 hour. It is a wind up alarm clock which cannot discriminate between a.m. and p.m.
4) 70. Dividing by half is the same as multiplying by 2.
5) 9 live sheep.
6) The match.
7) White. If all walls face south, the house must be on the North Pole.
8) 2 apples. I HAVE 3 APPLES, YOU TAKE 2, WHAT DO YOU HAVE?
9) None. It was Noah, not Moses.
10) YOU are the driver.

Grading Scale (out of 10)

8+ Engineer
7 Student
6 High school pupil
5 Primary school pupil
4 Teacher
3 College lecturer
2 University lecturer
1 Member of Congress

Illogical

2008-06-04T08:30:00.000-07:00

Students secures lower marks in his dce 2008 exam, after looking at the mark sheet he asks professor.
Student : "Can you answer any question ? " .
Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"
Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an "A" for the exam. "
Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?
Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?"
Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as agreed.
Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.
He immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife's lover an "A", although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical."

Santa answers Medical Terminology

2008-06-04T08:28:00.000-07:00

Have you heard of Mr. Santa Singh applying to a medical school to become a doctor?
Needless to say he never made it. You know why?
These are the answers he wrote in his entrance exam.
Antibody - against everyone
Artery - The study of the paintings.
Bacteria - back door to a cafeteria.
Caesarean section - a district in Rome.
Cardiology - advance study of poker playing.
Cat scan - searching for lost kitty.
Chronic - neck of a crow.
Coma - punctuation mark.
Cortisone - area around local court.
Cyst - short for sister.
Diagnosis - person with slanted nose.
Dilate - the late British Princess Diana.
Dislocation - in this place.
Duodenum - couple in blue jeans.
Enema - not a friend.
Fake labour - pretending to work.
Genes - blue denim.
Hernia - she is close by.
Impotent - distinguished/ well known.
Labour pain - hurt at work.
Lactose - people without toes.
Lymph - walk unsteadily.
Microbes - small dressing gown.
Obesity - city of Obe.
Pacemaker - winner of Nobel peace prize.
Proteins - in favour of teens.
Pulse - grain.
Pus - small cat.
Red blood count - Dracula.
Secretion - hiding anything.
Tablet - small table.
Ultrasound - radical noise.
Urine - opposite of you're out.
Varicose - very close.

C level

2008-06-04T08:18:00.001-07:00

A boy came home from school with his BITS 2008 Exam results.
"What did u get?" asked his father.
"My marks are under water," said the boy.
"What do u mean 'under water'?"
"They are all below 'C' (sea) level"

DCE Results Joke

2008-06-04T08:11:00.000-07:00

Father to son after DCE 2008 Exam: "Let me see your admit card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

Eccentric professor

2008-06-04T08:08:00.000-07:00

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final dce delhi 2008 exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.
The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."
Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.
Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all.
His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"

BITS Exam 2008

2008-06-04T07:08:00.000-07:00

You should not attempt these things during an actual BITS exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.

1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.

2. Get a copy of the bits exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"

3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.

4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.

5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm so sure you can hear me thinking. " Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

6. Bring cheerleaders.

7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand any of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who are you? Where's the regular guy?"

8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc. . . ). Play with the volume at max level.

9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.

10. Bring pets.

11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.

12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas. "If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.

13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.

14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.

15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.

16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.

17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.

18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.

20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the dce exam.

21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.

22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc. . ).

23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.

24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Forget this!" and walk out triumphantly.

25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i. e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink)

26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).

27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"

28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.

29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.

30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.

31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!"

32. Bring a water pistol with you.

33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.

34. Start a brawl in the middle of the dc exam.

35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.

36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.

37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.

38. Bring cheat sheets for another class (make sure this is obvious. . . like history notes for a calculus exam. . . otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit. "

39. When you walk in, complain about the heat.

40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.

41. One word: Wrestlemania.

42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.

43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.

44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.

45. Bring one pencil with a very sharp point. Break the point off your paper. Sharpen the pencil. Repeat this process for one hour.

46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc. . . sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.

47. During the bits exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.

48. Complete the bits exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.

49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think. " Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so".

50. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx is a Terrible Teacher"

DCE NSIT 2008 Solutions

2008-06-04T06:46:00.000-07:00

These are reputedly real answers to questions on science tests.

When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

Water is composed of two gins, oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.

Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state.

When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.

Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars.

Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.

The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.

The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.

A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.

For fainting: Rub the person's chest, or, if it's a lady, rub her arm above the hand. Or put her head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor.

Equator: a menagerie lion running around Earth through Africa.

Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot.

The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is so that there is something to hitch the meat to.

To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.

The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain. The borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - A, E, I, O, and U.

DCE Question and Answers

2008-06-04T06:41:00.000-07:00

An economist is a trained professional paid to guess wrong about the economy. An econometrician is a trained professional paid to use computers to guess wrong about the economy.Talk is cheap. Supply exceeds Demand. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Bentley's second Law of Economics: The only thing more dangerous than an economist is an amateur economist! --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Berta's Fundamental Law of Economic Rents.. "The only thing more dangerous than an amateur economist is a professional economist." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Definition: Policy Analyst is someone unethical enough to be a lawyer, impractical enough to be a theologian, and pedantic enough to be an economist. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Three econometricians went out hunting, and came across a large deer. The first econometrician fired, but missed, by a meter to the left. The second econometrician fired, but also missed, by a meter to the right. The third econometrician didn't fire, but shouted in triumph, "We got it! We got it!" --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: How has French revolution affected world economic growth?
A: Too early to say.
- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: What do economists and computers have in common?
A: You need to punch information into both of them.
- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: Why does Treasury only have 10 minutes for morning tea?
A: If they had any longer, they would need to re-train all the economists.
- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: Did you hear of the economist who dove into his swimming pool and broke his neck? A: He forgot to seasonally adjust his pool. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------NATURAL RATE OF UNEMPLOYMENT: Newlan's Truism: An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: Why did the market economist cross the road? A: To reach the consensus forecast. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: What does an economist use when calculating constant-dollar estimates? A: Deflator mouse --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: How many Chicago School economists does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. If the light bulb needed changing the market would have already done it. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: How many mainstream economists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. One to assume the existence of ladder and one to change the bulb. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: How many neo-classical economists does it take to change a light bulb? A: It depends on the wage rate. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: How many conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: How many B-school doctoral students does it take to change a light bulb? A: I'm writing my dissertation on that topic; I should have an answer for you in about five years.
- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: How many investors does it take to change a light bulb? A: None - the market has already discounted the change. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: How many Keynesian economists does it takes to change a light bulb? A: All. Because then you will generate employment, more consumption, dislocating the aggregate demand to the right.
- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: How many marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: None - the bulb contains within it the seeds of its own revolution. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------When drawing up the guest list for a dinner party, inviting more than 25% economists ruins the conversation. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Economics is the painful elaboration of the obvious.
- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: How many economists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Seven plus or minus ten.
- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: How many economists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Irrelevant - the light bulb's preferences are to be taken as given. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: What's the difference between an economist and a befuddled old man with Alzheimer's? A: The economist is the one with the calculator. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: What's the difference between economists and businessmen?
A: The first don't keep their feet on the ground; the latest use to keep their four feet in the ground --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Given 1000 economists, there will be 10 theoretical economists with different theories on how to change the light bulb and 990 empirical economists laboring to determine which theory is the *correct* one, and everyone will still be in the dark.
- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: Why did God create economists?
A: In order to make weather forecasters look good.
- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: What does an economist do?
A: A lot in the short run, which amounts to nothing in the long run.
- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Two economists meet on the street.One inquires, "How's your wife?" The other responds, "Relative to what?" --------------------------------------------------------------------------------To an economist, real life is a special case.
- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: How many economists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Eight. One to screw it in and seven to hold everything else constant.
- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Economists have forecasted nine out of the last five recessions.
- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------When an economist says the evidence is "mixed," he or she means that theory says one thing and data says the opposite.
- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Econometrics is the art of drawing a crooked line from an unproved assumption to a foregone conclusion." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: Why has astrology been invented?
A: So that economy could be an accurate science.

Taking the final exam

2008-06-04T06:28:00.000-07:00

Two college basketball players were taking an important final dce exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank.The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a ________." Bubba was stumped. He had no idea what to answer. But he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed.Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder. "Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?" Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to Bubba. "Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a FARM." "Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember now." He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Tapping Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?" "You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O."

DCE Exam Questions

2008-06-04T04:12:00.001-07:00

Father: How were the exam questions ?

Son: Easy

Father: Then why look so unhappy ?

Son: The questions didn't give me any trouble, just the answers !

CET 2008 Exam Joke

2008-06-04T03:51:00.000-07:00

Two friends anoop & suneet meet each other after completing their CET 2008 Exam ( Indraprastha University )

Anoop :Did you write your exam well?
Suneet : No,i just returned the blank paper.
Anoop : I too did the same.
Suneet: The teacher will think we copied

DCE Exam Joke

2008-06-04T03:35:00.000-07:00

One night 4 college students from DCE were boozing till late night and didn't study for the exam which was scheduled for the next day.

in the morning they thought of a plan. they made themselves look as dirty and weird as they could with grease and dirt.

They then went up to the dean and said that they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their return the tyre of their car burst and they had to push the car all the way back and that they were in no condition to appear for the test.

Then dean was a just person so he said that you can have the retest after 3 days.

they said they will be ready by that time. on the third day

they appeared before the dean. the dean said that this was a special condition test.

all four were required to sit in separate classrooms of the college for the exam. they all agreed as they had prepared well in the last three days. the test consisted of 2 questions with total of 100 marks.

DCE Exam

2008-06-04T03:05:00.000-07:00

A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death.

One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" and the whole classroom burst into laughter.

After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."

My Rezimay

2008-06-03T10:44:00.000-07:00

Deer Sur,

I waunt to apply for the secritary job I seen in the paper. I can type real kwik wit one finggar and do sum Acounting 2.

I think I am good on the fone and I am a pepole person. Pepole really seam to respond good to me.

Im lookin for a jobb as a secritary but it kant be 2 complikaited

My spelling is not 2 good but find that I awfin get a job Bcuz of my persinalety.

My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am wurth,

I can start imeditely. Thank you in advanse 4 yore anser.

Hopifuly I M Yore best aplicant so phar.

Sinseerly,

Peggy May McBiggins

Employer's response:

Dear Peggy May,

It's OK, we have spell check. You can join this Monday.

Couple In Bed

2008-06-03T10:24:00.002-07:00

A company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people.

In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours and the one with the best answer would get the job. The question was:

A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?

After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers.

The first one says, "My answer is, there is no answer."

The second one says, "My answer is, that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given."

The THIRD one says, "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names, it's either, Willie Turner or Willie Nailer.

HE GOT THE JOB!!!

Who Am I ?

2008-06-03T10:24:00.001-07:00

One Monday morning a guy was in the neighborhood on his usual route.

As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars are in the driveway, his wonder is cut short by Billy the homeowner coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

"Wow Billy, looks like you guys had a hell of a party last night," the man comments.

Billy in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night, this is the first I have felt like moving since 4 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples over for our anniversary bash and got a bit wild. Hell we even got so drunk that around midnight we started playing WHO AM I."

The guy thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"

Billy continues between hung over gasps, "Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "units" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."

The guy laughs and says, "Damn I'm sorry I missed that."

Billy responds, "But your name was guessed four or five times."

Brotherly Love

2008-06-03T10:22:00.000-07:00

Joe and Bob were two very different people and had lived in the same valley for several years. Despite their differences, their relationship was one of amiable cooperation. One day, to reward them for their spirit of coexistence, God decided to pay a visit and reward them for their spirit of brotherly love.

God gathered the two men together and spoke to Joe, "I am very pleased with the cooperative spirit the both of you have demonstrated. Bob because being black in this day and age has proved to be a trying experience, I will reward you with exactly double everything I reward Joe. I am now happy to grant you your 5 fondest wishes."

Joe, after thinking it over, wished he had a 50 room mansion erected on top of the mountain. Sure enough, on top of the eastern mountain, appeared a 50 room mansion. At the same time, for Bob, a 100 room mansion exactly twice the size of Joe's mansion appeared on top of the western mountain.

Joe was very happy and Bob was absolutely elated. Bob informed Joe that they needed food and transportation. Joe agreed and, for his 2nd and 3rd wishes, requested God to fill the pantries with delicious wares and provide him with 10 different cars.

Agreeably, God filled the pantries of both mansions. In the garage of Joe's mansion there appeared 10 different cars. In the garage of Bob's mansion appeared 20 different cars.

Next, Bob prompted Joe about the 4th wish, "Women... we need women!"

Joe, agreeing, asked God to furnish his 4th wish as 50 of the world's sexiest, most beautiful women. Instantly, standing in front of the Joe's mansion were 50 of the sexiest, most beautiful women in the world. At the same time, standing in front of Bob's mansion were 100 women, each twice as sexy and attractive as those given to Joe.

Both men were very happy and Bob danced around and exclaimed, "Go, Man! Make more wishes! Make more wishes! Oh, Lordy...this is our lucky day!...Every time you make a wish, I get twice as much...Wish, Man, Wish!"

Thinking the situation over, Joe turned to God and said, "Okay, for my 5th and final wish, I want you to remove ONE of my testicles!"

I Need a Woman

2008-06-03T10:20:00.000-07:00

George desperately wants to fuck a woman, but all her lady- friends are out of town, or otherwise unavailable. He goes to a friend Joe, who is a gigolo.

"I need a woman, please help me out", he tells to his friend.

"OK, that's easy. Go with train. After three stops You must exit the train. There You will see a 3-floor building. Go to apartment no. 7. When the woman opens the door, just say, 'I came here to fuck You.'. It's as simple as this."

Off George goes. Time flies in a train, because George examines with his eyes all the women in the train. (unfortunately he misses one train- stop.) When he exits the train, he actually notices a three- floor house (but this is another one). He goes to apartments no. 7 and tells the lady, "I'm here to Fuck You".

They get inside, undressed and right to the bed. After few "rounds" George hears that someone opening the front door. He tries to dress himself, but he's not fast enough.

The husband enters: "IN WHICH TRAIN STOP I DID TELL YOU TO EXIT!" yells Joe.

How to shop during Christmas

2008-05-30T10:56:00.000-07:00

On our last venture out for Christmas shopping, we had bought a few gadgets for the younguns and then realized we didn't have any batteries.

I stepped over to the counter to get the batteries, but I couldn't attract any clerk's attention.

I waited a while then said to April, "I'll get someone's attention. Stay right here." With what, I pulled out a tape measure I just happened to have with me, and started to measure" one of those large screen plasma television sets. You know the ones that go for about $4000.

Amazingly, a clerk almost leap-frogged over several pieces of furniture to reach my side.

"Sir! Can I help you?" he exclaimed.

"Yeah, you can. I'll take 8 of those batteries over there."

1922 in USA

2008-05-27T00:16:00.000-07:00

"June 30, 1922. Washington policeman Bill Norton measuring the distance between knee and suit at the Tidal Basin bathing beach after Col. Sherrell, Superintendent of Public Buildings and Grounds, issued an order that suits not be over six inches above the knee." National Photo Co. [Originally posted June 19, 2007.]

Lovely and Funny and Logical

2008-05-25T12:39:00.000-07:00

A 45 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth!

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as Well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied: "I didn't recognize you."

Zip It UP

2008-05-09T13:36:00.000-07:00

A patient with severe stomach ache went to doctor who advised operation and removal of Appendix. Operation over and discharged.

Pain reappeared. After examining him doctor said “During the operation, a scissors has been left in the stomach. We will remove it".

After getting discharged, once again there was severe pain in the abdomen. Patient became furious. Doctor after examining said in an apologetical tone, "Sorry Sir, there was a mistake. A scalpel is inside the abdomen. It has to be removed. The operation will be done at our cost."

Patient agreed. Operation was successful. After removing the scalpel, the doctors were about to suture the wound. At that time, anesthetic effect had gone and patient became conscious. He told "Don’t suture the wound. Instead put a Zip so that I myself can take out anything left inside!”

Paying the bill

2008-05-04T21:48:00.000-07:00

A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money.

The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn’t been paid.

The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, “We can’t ship your new order until you pay for the last one.”

The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call, “Please cancel the order. We can’t wait that long.”

Jokes on Attorney/Witness

2008-04-18T13:20:00.000-07:00

These are from a book called Disorder in the American
Courts, and are things people actually said in court,
word for word, taken down and now published by court
reporters that had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

WITNESS: July 18th.

ATTORNEY: What year?

WITNESS: Every year.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your
memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of
something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?

WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember
which.

ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?

WITNESS: Forty-five years.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to
you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Mary.

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person
dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the
next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how
old is he?

WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was
taken?

WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was
August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Uh....

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a
beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant
to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you
performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What
School did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined
body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering
why I was doing an autopsy on him!

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine
sample?

WITNESS: Huh?

And the best for last

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy,
did you check For a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient
was alive When you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk
in a jar.

ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been
alive And practicing law.

Why Microsoft shouldn't make Cars

2008-04-08T10:52:00.000-07:00

At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments/General Motors issued a press release stating the following: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would accept this, restart, and drive on.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart; in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought 'Car95' or 'CarNT.' Then you would have to buy more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that's powered by the sun, more reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

7. The oil, water, temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single 'general car fault' warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same butt size.

9. The airbag system would say 'Are you sure?' before going off.

10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps, even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 per cent or more.

12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

13. You'd press the 'Start' button to shut off the engine.

I m too smart for the first grade

2008-03-31T10:24:00.000-07:00

A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Johnny what is your problem?"

Johnny answered, "I m too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!"

The teacher had had enough. She took Johnny to the principal's office.

While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Johnny was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Johnny: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Johnny: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grade student should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Johnny can go to the third grade."

The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"

The principal and Johnny both agree.

The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Johnny, after a moment, "Legs."

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!

Johnny replied, "Pockets." Now no reactions or special face symbols on Johnny's face. He was so cool!

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Johnny: "Pants"

Teacher: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?

Now, the principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny was taking charge.

Johnny: Coconut

Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?

Johnny: Bubblegum

Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?

Johnny: Shake hands

Teacher: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, answer me.

Johnny: Yep.

Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.

Johnny: tent

Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored.

The best man always has me first.

The principal was looking restless and bit tensed.

Johnny: wedding ring

Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.

Johnny: nose

Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.

Johnny: arrow

Teacher: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?

Johnny: "Firetruck"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Johnny in the fifth grade. I missed the last ten questions

Next Generation Alarm Clock

2008-03-30T01:10:00.000-07:00

A Doctor of Psychology

2008-03-30T00:33:00.000-07:00

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.

Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.

The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a light bulb." The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.

The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"

Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"

Pressed Enter... but nothing happend... so i entered

2008-03-29T10:29:00.001-07:00

How'd I feel stuck in this.

2008-03-12T01:59:00.001-07:00

How to annoy people: a 246-step process

2008-02-22T01:28:00.000-08:00

Specify that your drive-thru order is “to go.”
If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will “swipe your grub.”
Name your dog “Dog.”
Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions “to keep them tuned up.”
Reply to everything someone says with “that’s what you think.”
Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your “astronaut training.”
Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you’ll be saying more any moment.
Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you “like it that way.”
Tell 1-800 operators they sound gay and ask for a date.
Sew anti-theft detector strips into people’s backpacks.
Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
Order a side of pork rinds with your fillet mignon.
Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
Tape pieces of “Sweating to the Oldies” over climatic parts of rental movies.
Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
Repeat everything someone says as a question.
Write “X - BURIED TREASURE” in random spots on all of someone’s road maps.
Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination, UFO, and OJ Simpson conspiracy theories.
Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: “Do you hear that?”, “What?”, “Never mind, it’s gone now.”
Light road flares on a birthday cake.
Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
At the Laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
Stand over someone’s shoulder, mumbling as they read.
Ask people what gender they are.
Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
Change your name to “John Aaaaasmith” for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it’s a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each “a.”
Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
Chew on pens that you’ve borrowed.
Wear a lot of cologne.
Listen to 33RPM records at 45RPM speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your “superior mental processing.”
Sing along at the opera.
Mow your lawn with scissors.
At a golf tournament, chant “swing-batabatabata-suhwing-batter!”
Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your “imaginary friend.”
Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn’t rhyme.
Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about “psychological profiles.”
Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
Construct elaborate “crop circles” in your front lawn.
Make appointments for the 31st of September.
Invite lots of people to other people’s parties.
Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
In the memo field of all your checks, write “for sensual massage.”
Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
Practice making fax and modem noises.
Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and “cc.” them to your boss.
Finish all your sentences with the words “in accordance with prophecy.”
Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
Disassemble your pen and “accidentally” flip the ink cartridge across the room.
Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
Staple papers in the middle of the page.
Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a “croaking” noise.
Honk and wave to strangers.
TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE.
type only in lowercase.
dont use any punctuation either
As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce “No, wait, I messed it up,” and repeat.
Sing the theme to the Batman television show as loudly as you can, over and over and over..
Tell people their accent isn’t fooling anyone.
Drum on every available surface.
Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
Set alarms for random times.
Learn Morse code and have conversations with friends in public consisting of “Beeeep bip bip beeeep bip..”
Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.
Leave your Nine Inch Nails tape in Great Uncle Ed’s stereo, with the volume properly adjusted.
Dress only in clothes colored Hunter’s Orange.
Wear your pants backwards.
Begin all your sentences with “Ohh la la!”
Rouse your roommates from slumber each morning with Lou Reed’s “Metal Machine Music.”
Leave someone’s printer in compressed-italic-landscape mode.
Pay for your dinner with pennies.
Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
Demand that everyone address you as “Conquistador.”
Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
When Christmas caroling, sing “Jingle bells, Batman smells” until physically restrained.
Wear a cape that says “Magnificent One.”
Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.
Sing the “This is the song that never ends” song from Lampchop’s Play-Along.
Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk into it.
Drive half a block.
Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a southern drawl.
“Forget” the punch line to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a “real hoot.”
Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don’t want to fall off “in case the big one comes.”
Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers’ brains, such as “Feliz Navidad,” the Archies’ “Sugar,” or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
Ask to “interface” with someone.
Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as “sticky wicket isn’t cricket.”
Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a “magic picture.”
Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.
Never make eye contact.
Never break eye contact.
Construct your own pretend “tricorder,” and “scan” people with it, pronouncing the results.
Give a play-by-play account of a person’s every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice.
Occasionally bark in a high-pitched voice.
Say “okay, you’re gay” to anything someone says.
As people talk, smell their shoulders.
When in a conversation, look out the window, then say “Wait, start over. I wasn’t paying attention.”
Say to people, “Did you wear deodorant today?”
Place your shoes on the table.
When talking to someone, look at a spot about two inches to their right.
When standing near a “high-class person,” ask them, “Excuse me, but do I have a booger hanging on my nose? I thought I picked it off.”
Switch your neighbor’s lawn furniture with someone else’s.
Call into work and tell them you have something better to do today.
Buy goldfish and ask the clerk if they come with chips.
Sample every flavor of ice cream and tell the clerk what you don’t like about each one.
Pick your ear wax and ask if you could use their sleeve to wipe it off.
Insist completely ridiculous things are true - like Bush is still President.
Speak in a strong Welsh accent.
Wear odd shoes.
Learn “Ice Ice Baby” by heart and recite it endlessly.
Disagree strongly with everything anybody says.
Throw stones at people walking past your house.
Keep changing the TV channel every two seconds.
Insist that Celine Dion is better than the Beatles.
Whenever anyone says something, laugh loudly as if they have just told and extremely funny joke.
Phone McDonald’s and try to make a reservation for that evening.
Spend an entire weekend pretending you are R2-D2.
Phone random numbers and tell them you are holding their daughter hostage.
Recite the first 4,000 decimal places of Pi. Then ask if people want to hear it in binary, too.
Pretend you have gone completely deaf.
.sdrawkcab etirW
Walk into people’s houses, go straight to the fridge without saying hello, and help yourself to their food.
Speak so quietly that people always have to get you to repeat it.
Loudly recite people’s most embarrassing secrets in restaurants.
Play the electric guitar very loudly and badly, then when the neighbors ask you to turn it down, play even louder. When they come round to complain again, say, “Oh, I’m sorry. I thought you asked me to turn it up!
Try to fit the word “cornucopia” into every sentence you say.
Drive on the wrong side of the road.
Secretly learn to play the piano, then go to a friend’s house who has a piano. Claim you’ve never played before then play Jesu Joy of Man’s Desiring perfectly the first time. Then say, “I guess I must kinda be a natural.”
Go canoeing and sing the Hawaii Five-0 theme.
Claim that until recently, you thought Michael Jackson was a woman.
Wear your cap backwards and say “Yo, wazzup?” a lot.
Go to a Metallica concert wearing a Michael Bolton T-Shirt.
Tell everyone you are Bill Clinton’s cousin.
Take photos of people walking down the street and then run away.
Dedicate your life to politics, become president of the United States, then raise all taxes to 90%.
Down a can of Coke in one drink and then burp loudly.
Insist that it was Bobby who shot J.R.
Bark like a dog whenever anyone says the word “the.”
Wire up people’s cars so the horn comes on as soon as their car is started.
Ride a unicycle to work.
E-mail Microsoft to tell them about bugs in Windows XP that aren’t actually there.
Stare at people for about five minutes, making sure they know you’re staring at them. Then, slowly sneak up to them while humming the Mission: Impossible theme. Sniff their head, then run away. Repeat.
Continuously mumble during a conversation.
Take off the eraser to every pencil in your house, or better yet, someone else’s house.
When in a chat room, spell everything incorrectly.
Insist on “Weird Al” sing-a-longs.
On a hot summer day, ride up and down the road and drench pedestrians with squirt guns.
When walking down a main road, act like a drunk.
Wear nothing but white and go mud wrestling.
Walk up to someone eating. Lean over and stare at them intently until they notice. Continue to do so until they ask what you’re doing. Reply, “I’ve been watching you eat for the last 30 seconds.. You’re weird!” Leave the restaurant.
When walking, talk to yourself constantly.
Move people’s bookmarks ahead three pages when they aren’t looking.
Call the operator. When asked, “Can I help you?” reply, “No thanks, just browsing.”
Go to a gumball machine insert coins until you have a matching pair of fake eyeballs. After attaining these, record the theme song of The Twilight Zone over and over again. Drive down the street wearing the eyeballs and playing The Twilight Zone theme very loud. When you get pulled over, leap into the passenger’s seat and claim, “He was here a minute ago, officer!”
On a night other than Halloween, get a few friends together and dress like Jason from Friday the 13th. Have each of you stand a mile apart on a highway.
After visiting the local donut shop, sit on the floor cross-legged and insist in a childish voice that you haven’t received enough chocolate sprinkles.
Push a raisin into someone’s cream-filled donut. (I don’t get this one.)
Spread fertilizer on half your neighbor’s lawn.
Add A535 (liquid heat) to that little hole down the center of someone’s anti-perspirant.
Add blank entries to lists, to make it look like it’s longer.
Call every pager number you know and leave the number for your local McDonald’s.
Wash and scrub the trees in your front lawn.
Throw newspapers back at paperboys.
Tell people their fly is down when they’re wearing sweat pants.
Stand on a busy corner. Gasp, look and point up. See how many people look.
At random times in a conversation, say “Hi,” “Hello Sir, how are you?” or “Have a good day, thank you.”
Put electrical tape over the headlights of someone’s car.
Walk up to random strangers insisting you are family.
Dress like a “High-class rich person” and wash windows at random street corners. Demand a dollar in a British accent.
When a cop pulls you over, when they step up to your car, drive forward slowly and make them walk. Especially if it’s raining.
In an office, lock all the doors behind you.
Face the back when standing in an elevator.
Grin so wide it hurts your cheeks at every salesperson in town.
When at an ATM, try to have a conversation with it, or pretend it stole your card. (This works best if there’s a line.)
Unbend all the paperclips you can find, then replace every eraser you can find with a rubber band.
Ask people to prove everything they say. (e.g. “I’m Bob, nice to meet you…” “PROVE IT!”)
Sharpen All your pencils to the same size EXACTLY.
Answer every question with another question. As soon as one of you says a statement instead of a question, shout “I win!”.
Pose as a client at a bank or other professional institution, and when you are seated in front of their desk, keep rearranging the items on top into different patterns and tell them you are “just reorganizing things.”
Instead of singing 99 bottles of beer on the wall, sing 999,999,999 bottles of beer on the wall!
Call every girl you know “dude”.
Recite every song from the Playstation games PaRappa the Rapper and Um Jammer Lammy.
Bring a portable CD player to a concert and listen the CD because you insist that it is “Just better quality”
Press the “power” button on on someone’s computer or keyboard when they’re almost finished typing up a long essay, story etc. Apologize sincerely, claiming that you thought it was the focus adjustment.
Call 911 and breathe heavily.
Take a shower. Feel guilty. Give it back.
Mow your carpet. (Or preferably somebody else’s)
Vacuum your lawn. (See note on 200)
Recite shakespearian poetry to everyone you meet.
Go to McDonalds and ask for a BK Whopper.
Order a pizza and ask them if they can “please put the crust on top this time” in an exasperated voice.
Every time someone asks you to do something or says something to you ask “Is that a threat?”
When in an elevator, in different voices, shout out random floors, and then watch as you get there, no one gets off.
Also, when riding up an elevator with a stranger, start singing a song that everyone knows, then expect them to start singing too. If they do not start singing, insist, “Everyone knows that song. Are you stupid?”
While walking make car noises loudly (Such as changing gears).
Whenever somebody says something, ask what the simplest word they said means. When they explain, ask what the simplest word in their explanation means. Repeat this for the entire conversation.
Go up to a someone and say, “Are you annoyed by irrelevant questions?” And then walk away very quickly.
Finish each sentence with “Monkey See, Monkey Do”.
Click your mechanical pencils or your pens during a test in school.
Pretend you are invisible.
Convince people you are deaf and talk in an incredibly phony sign language.
Spend all day at a fast food restaurant and see how long it takes before you have to pay for your “free” refills.
Continuously open your briefcase or bag and say into it, “Have you got enough air in there?”
While going down in an elevator scream, “AAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!!! WE’RE GONNA DIE!!!” for no apparent reason.
Call everyone a communist.
Explain “the little green men” in detail to someone, and when they don’t believe you, accuse them of being one in disguise.
Call your neighbors collect.
Whenever someone finishes a sentence say, “And then what happened?”
Page yourself over an intercom, but don’t disguise your voice.
Send people annoying chain forwards with outrageous consequences like “If you don’t send this to 300 people in 4 seconds you will die instantly” and then insist that it is true and it happened to your uncle.
When walking push an invisible cart and make loud squeaky noises.
Walk up to random people and ask them, very seriously, “Do you know the muffin man?”
Clear your throat every three or four words while speaking.
Look at your hand in amazement and say, “Whoa, I never knew I had this!”
While driving if you see a “How am I driving” bumper sticker, call the number and inform the operator that the driver is doing a great job.
When driving with companions in the car, every few seconds slam on the brakes and insist that a squirrel ran in front of you.
When driving with companions in the car, every few seconds slam on the brakes and insist that a squirrel ran in front of you.
Whenever anybody says anything to you. Respond by saying, “I know.”
Sending this list to all of your friends through email.
Continue to ask someone, “Is this annoying? Is this annoying?” over and over and over.
Tap someone on the shoulder repeatedly.
Begin every sentence with, “By the Gods!”
When you’re in an argument, no matter what it’s about, keep yelling “I don’t see your name on it!”.
When in public, pretend you are selling something in an infomercial.
At a restaurant, repeatedly send your food back for changes and after awhile insist that, “This isn’t what I ordered!”
Go to a shoe store and try on every shoe, then say that you aren’t interested in buying shoes and leave.
Put powdered sugar in your hair, sit down next to a stranger, and scratch your head a lot.
Turn on the Talk Radio Stations in your car, roll down your windows, and headbang.
Walk around with a plastic sword and shield and tell strangers “I must avenge the death of my father.”
Scotch tape your door as an Anti-theft Device.
Super Glue quarters to floors.
Put the wrong date and year on the papers you hand in to your teachers.
Call random numbers and say “Hi, this is Julie from Basken Robins. If you can name 31 flavors in 31 seconds you get a free scoop.”
WRIGHT N AL CAPITOL LETERS AND MISSSSSPEL EVRYTHIND!!!
Get two cell phones and talk to yourself on them in front of other people

Nice Ads: Save Paper

2008-02-11T21:48:00.000-08:00

Classified Ads

2008-02-11T21:17:00.001-08:00

This is what Courage, Confidence & Trust means…

2008-02-07T20:53:00.000-08:00

Is this tricky or real ?

2008-02-05T02:38:00.001-08:00

NO KUNG FU, NO JUDO, NO KARATE, NO BOXING

2008-02-05T01:57:00.000-08:00

Police Call Center :-)

2007-12-25T22:12:00.001-08:00

Lipstick in school

2007-11-27T04:42:00.000-08:00

According to a news report, a certain school in Garden City, MI was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the washroom.That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. He called all the girls to the washroom and met them there with the maintenance man. He explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, he asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

THE MORAL OF THIS STORY..

There are teachers, and then there are Educators.

The Bosses Expectation

2007-11-23T04:40:00.000-08:00

Why I didn't take GRE...... Hilariours

2007-11-13T21:09:00.001-08:00

A NORMAL PERSON: People who live in glass houses should not throw stones.

GRE STUDENT: Individuals who make their abodes in vitreous edifices would be advised to refrain from catapulting perilous projectiles.

______________________________________________________________________

NORMAL PERSON: Twinkle, twinkle, little star.

GRE STUDENT: Scintillate, scintillate, asteroid minim.

______________________________________________________________________

NORMAL PERSON: All that glitters is not gold.

GRE STUDENT: All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.

________________________________________________________________________

NORMAL PERSON: Beggars are not choosers

GRE STUDENT: Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted.

___________________________________________________________________

NORMAL PERSON: Dead men tell no tales

GRE STUDENT: Male cadavers are incapable of rendering any testimony.

______________________________________________________________________

NORMAL PERSON: Beginner's luck

GRE STUDENT: Neophyte's serendipity.

_____________________________________________________________________

NORMAL PERSON: A rolling stone gathers no mass

GRE STUDENT: A revolving lithic conglomerate accumulates no congeries of small, green, biophytic plant.

______________________________________________________________________

NORMAL PERSON: Birds of a feather flock together

GRE STUDENT: Members of an avian species of identical plumage tend to congregate.

_______________________________________________________________________

NORMAL PERSON: Beauty is only skin deep

GRE STUDENT: Pulchritude possesses solely cutaneous profundity.

_______________________________________________________________________

NORMAL PERSON: Cleanliness is godliness

GRE STUDENT: Freedom from incrustations of grime is contiguous to rectitude.

_____________________________________________________________________

NORMAL PERSON: There's no use crying over spilt milk

GRE STUDENT: It is fruitless to become lachrymose of precipitately departed lactile fluid.

________________________________________________________________________

NORMAL PERSON: You can't try to teach old dog new tricks

GRE STUDENT: It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with innovative maneuvers.

__________________________________________________________________________

NORMAL PERSON: Look before you leap

GRE STUDENT: Surveillance should precede saltation.

_______________________________________________________________________

NORMAL PERSON: He, who laughs last, laughs best

GRE STUDENT: The person presenting the ultimate cachinnation possesses thereby the optimal cachinnation.

___________________________________________________________________________

NORMAL PERSON: All work and no play make Jack a dull boy.

GRE STUDENT: Exclusive dedication to necessitous chores without interludes of hedonistic diversion renders Jack a hebetudinous fellow.

____________________________________________________________________________

NORMAL PERSON: Where there's smoke, there's fire!

GRE STUDENT: Where there are visible vapours having their provenance in ignited carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration.

____________________________________________________________________

In Order Of Stupidity...

2007-11-12T02:49:00.001-08:00

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping. (Darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?

On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???.....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????....)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time)?

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness..." (and...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what)?

On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (Oh my God...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

The Top Ten Weird Dismissals Of Cricket!!

2007-11-06T23:32:00.001-08:00

Meet Very kind Layer

2007-11-02T00:52:00.000-07:00

One afternoon a lawyer (probably a barrister) was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, too."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."

Ultimate excuse never heard before. :-)

2007-11-02T00:23:00.000-07:00

A guy bought a new Mercedes and was out on Highway 2 for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 140 km/h, he suddenly saw red and blue flashing lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 150, 160...

Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What in the world am I doing?" he thought, and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day," said the cop. "This is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

Seniors enjoying Chocolate

2007-11-02T00:20:00.000-07:00

A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.

She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After approx. 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about eight times.

At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they do not eat the peanuts themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them.

"Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled.

Whereupon the old lady answers, “We just love the chocolate around them."

Old Age

2007-10-26T02:04:00.000-07:00

Two elderly people living in Trailer Estates, he was a Widower and she a widow, had known each other for a number of years.

One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. The two were at the same table; across from one another as the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage to ask her, “Will you marry me?"

After about six seconds of ' careful consideration’, she answered "Yes. Yes, I will. "

The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places.

Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.

First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"

He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I Meant it with all my heart.” Then she continued, "I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."

Cute Drawing's

2007-10-23T20:59:00.000-07:00

Some Rules cann't be followed

2007-10-23T01:58:00.000-07:00

A lady manager of a big reputed office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into her office.

"What is your name?" was the first thing she asked the new guy.

"John," the new guy replied.

She scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority.

I refer to my employees by their last name only ... Smith, Jones, Baker ...that's all.

I am to be referred to only as Mrs. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed, "Darling............ My name is John Darling."

" Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . . "

My Office Time Table

2007-10-07T01:52:00.000-07:00

The Perfect Husband...

2007-09-29T22:45:00.000-07:00

Several men are in the changing room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and began to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello" WOMAN: "Darling, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes" WOMAN: "I am at the shopping centre and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, Go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "£70,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ... The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £950,000"
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of 900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It really is a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the changing room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....

He smiles and asks: "Anyone knows who this phone belongs to?"

Paper Art: Part 6

2007-09-28T22:54:00.001-07:00

Where is God... :-)

2007-09-25T12:11:00.001-07:00

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are extremely mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know all about it. If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.

So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,

"Do you know where God is, son?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!"

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.

The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God?!"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time.

............ ......... ....

("I just LOVE reading next line again and again")

.....................

.....................

GOD is missing, and they think we did it!!!!!!!!!

How to Sell a expensive watch

2007-09-25T11:57:00.000-07:00

There was a gentleman walking with two heavy suitcases in an airport terminal.

Someone approached and asked him what time it was. The gentleman bends down to park the two heavy suitcases and stares at his watch. But this was no ordinary watch!

He touches a tiny button and his administrative assistant's face appears.

He asks her, "Mary, what time is it?" Mary answers instantly and with a smile!

The questioner is thoroughly impressed!!!

He asks, "What kind of a watch is that?"

"It's like a TV with two-way real-time communication," the gentleman explains. He adds that the watch is the latest technology with Intel's brand new 128-bit chip with processor speed of 10 Gigahertz.

The onlooker is now quite impressed and wanted to know if he could buy this watch from the gentleman. They agree on a heavy price and the cash was handed immediately. The gentleman takes his watch out and hands it over and then walks away.

The new owner stares at the two heavy suitcases and shouts, "Sir, you forgot your suitcases."

The gentleman stops, smiles, and replies, "No, they are yours now. They are the modems you always need to carry for your new watch.

Big John does not pay

2007-09-25T08:57:00.000-07:00

Hi all

Here goes my first one, hope u all enjoy

A puny bus driver pulled up at a stop, and a giant of a man got in, "Big John does not pay", he thundered, the bus driven did not want to argue with a man of that size, so he kept quiet. Next day, the same thing happened, the giant got in "Big John does not pay" he thundered. This went on for about 7 days. The bus driver by now was starting to resent this, and he did not want to take it lying down, so he joined a Gym, and started an intensive course in body building, after 3 weeks, and with big bulging muscles, he pulled up at the stop, the giant got in " Big John does not pay" said, the driver rose up and showing his muscles said " OH yeah " and why does Big JOhn does not pay " he shouted. The giant reached inside his pocket, the driver feared for the worse

the giant said " because Big John has bus pass" showing his bus pass to the driver.

OLD IS WHEN

2007-09-24T07:28:00.001-07:00

"OLD" IS WHEN ... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one; I can't do both!"

"OLD" IS WHEN ... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... "Getting a little action" means you don't need to take any fiber today

"OLD" IS WHEN ... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... An "all nighter" means not getting up to use the bathroom.

Fact About Husband and wife

2007-09-22T07:41:00.000-07:00

Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.

It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged.
It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.

A man who surrenders when he's wrong, is Honest.
A man who surrenders when not Sure, is Wise. A man who surrenders even if he's Right, is a Husband.

Why do Bride & Groom exchange varmaala during wedding?
To tell each other affectionately... Sweetheart U R Dead!

Different Phases of a man:
After engagement: Superman
After Marriage: Gentleman
After 10 years: Watchman
After 20 years: Doberman

There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it. There is only one perfect wife in the world and every neighbour has it

Prospective husband: Do you have a book called 'Man, The Master of Women'?
Salesgirl: The fiction department is on the other side, sir.

Man receives telegram: Wife dead-should be buried or cremated?
Man: Don't take any chances. Burn the body and bury the ash.

We are very keen on cleanliness

2007-09-12T11:26:00.001-07:00

Boss (to the new employee): We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?

New employee: Yes, sir.

Boss: We are also keen on truthfulness. There is no mat.

What is the truest definition of Globalization

2007-09-04T08:14:00.000-07:00

Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?

Answer: Princess Diana's death.

Question: How come?

Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles; treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines. This is sent to you by an Indian, using Bill Gate’s technology, and you're probably reading this on your computer, that use Taiwanese chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by Pakistan lorry-drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked to you by Mexican illegal..... That, my friend, is Globalization

What is legal, but not logical....

2007-08-25T06:19:00.000-07:00

After having failed his exam in "Logistics and Organization", a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"

Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"

Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an "A" for the exam. "

Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?"

Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?"

Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as agreed.

Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.

He immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife's lover an "A", although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical."

Future Kitchen

2007-08-25T06:04:00.000-07:00

Judge can't judge a lawyer

2007-08-25T05:43:00.000-07:00

A young lawyer was defending a wealthy businessman in a complicated lawsuit.

Unfortunately, the evidence was against his client, and he feared the worst.

So the lawyer asked the senior partner of the law firm if it would be appropriate to send the judge a box of Havana cigars.

The partner was horrified. "The judge is an honorable man," the partner exclaimed.

"If you do that, I can guarantee you will lose the case!"

Weeks later the judge ruled in favor of the lawyer's client.

The partner took him to lunch to congratulate him. "Aren't you glad you didn't send those cigars to the judge?"

The partner asked. “But I did send them,"

Replied the lawyer. "I just enclosed the complainant's lawyer's business card!”

HOW HAPPY IS LIFE WITHOUT A GIRLFRIEND

2007-08-25T05:36:00.000-07:00

Reasons why LIFE without a Girl Friend is cool

You can stare at any Girl

You don't have to spend money on her

You won't get boring result in your board papers

No girlfriend, no emotional blackmailing

If u don't have a girlfriend, she can't dump u

Having a girlfriend is hot, not having a girlfriend is automatically cool, and every one loves to be a cool guy

This can be more to life than just waiting for the bloody phone to ring

You won't have to tolerate someone else defining, "right" and "wrong" for u

Girlfriend can get so possessive that you can't do anything according ur wishes anymore

You can buy gifts for mom, dad, sis or grandpa instead of a girlfriend and have a happier family life

You won't have to waste paper writing love letters. No more endless waiting for your date to arrive at some weird shop place

You can have more friends, as u will have more time for them

You wont have to see boring love stories instead of sports

You wont have to tell lie to anybody and, therefore, u'll sin less

You can have good night's sleep-no need to dream about her

You won’t have to fight over having a 'special' friend with your folks

No nonstop nonsense

You wont have drown in the pool of her tears

No tension

You can be "yourself"

You won’t have to hide your telephone bills

What a coincidence

2007-08-25T03:08:00.000-07:00

Celebration

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

"What a coincidence," he said, "This is a special day for me. I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating," says the woman.

"What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I switched cocks," he replied.

She smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"

Damn good explanation

2007-08-25T02:28:00.000-07:00

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman, and was somewhat upset.

"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me - a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!"

And Paddy (for it was he) replied "Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you what happened."

"Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, "but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"

And Paddy began - "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight.
The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same...

" Here Paddy took a quick breath and continued, "She was so grateful for my understanding and help, and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, "Please... do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"

A kind of employment farewell mail HR would die for

2007-08-22T11:17:00.000-07:00

Dear Co-Workers and Managers,

As many of you probably know, today is my last day. But before I leave, I wanted to take this opportunity to let you know what a great and distinct pleasure it has been to type "Today is my last day."

For nearly as long as I've worked here, I've hoped that I might one day leave this company. And now that this dream has become a reality, please know that I could not have reached this goal without your unending lack of support. Words cannot express my gratitude for the words of gratitude you did not express.

I would especially like to thank all of my managers both past and present but with the exception of the wonderful Saroj Hariprashad: in an age where miscommunication is all too common, you consistently impressed and inspired me with the sheer magnitude of your misinformation, ignorance and intolerance for true talent. It takes a strong man to admit his mistake - it takes a stronger man to attribute his mistake to me.

Over the past seven years, you have taught me more than I could ever ask for and, in most cases, ever did ask for. I have been fortunate enough to work with some absolutely interchangeable supervisors on a wide variety of seemingly identical projects - an invaluable lesson in overcoming daily tedium in overcoming daily tedium in overcoming daily tedium.

Your demands were high and your patience short, but I take great solace knowing that my work was, as stated on my annual review, "meets expectation." That is the type of praise that sends a man home happy after a 10 hour day, smiling his way through half a bottle of meets expectation scotch with a meets expectation cigar. Thanks Trish!

And to most of my peers: even though we barely acknowledged each other within these office walls, I hope that in the future, should we pass on the street, you will regard me the same way as I regard you: sans eye contact.

But to those few souls with whom I've actually interacted, here are my personalized notes of farewell:

To Philip Cress, I will not miss hearing you cry over absolutely nothing while laying blame on me and my coworkers. Your racial comments about Joe Cobbinah were truly offensive and I hope that one day you might gain the strength to apologize to him.

To Brenda Ashby whom is long gone, I hope you find a manager that treats you as poorly as you have treated us. I worked harder for you then any manager in my career and I regret every ounce of it. Watching you take credit for my work was truly demoralizing.

To Sylvia Keenan, you should learn how to keep your mouth shut sweet heart. Bad mouthing the innocent is a negative thing, especially when your talking about someone who knows your disgusting secrets. ; )

To Bob Malvin (Mr. Cronyism Jr), well, I wish you had more of a back bone. You threw me to the wolves with that witch Brenda and I learned all too much from it. I still can't believe that after following your instructions, I ended up getting written up, wow. Thanks for the experience buddy, lesson learned.

Don Merritt (Mr. Cronyism Sr), I'm happy that you were let go in the same manner that you have handed down to my dedicated coworkers. Hearing you on the phone last year brag about how great bonuses were going to be for you fellas in upper management because all of the lay offs made me nearly vomit. I never expected to see management benefit financially from the suffering of scores of people but then again, with this company's rooted history in the slave trade it only makes sense.

To all of the executives of this company, Jamie Dimon and such. Despite working through countless managers that practiced unethical behavior, racism, sexism, jealousy and cronyism, I have benefited tremendously by working here and I truly thank you for that. There was once a time where hard work was rewarded and acknowledged, it's a pity that all of our positive output now falls on deaf ears and passes blind eyes. My advice for you is to place yourself closer to the pulse of this company and enjoy the effort and dedication of us "faceless little people" more. There are many great people that are being over worked and mistreated but yet are still loyal not to those who abuse them but to the greater mission of providing excellent customer support. Find them and embrace them as they will help battle the cancerous plague that is ravishing the moral of this company.

So, in parting, if I could pass on any word of advice to the lower salary recipient ("because it's good for the company") in India or Tampa who will soon be filling my position, it would be to cherish this experience because a job opportunity like this comes along only once in a lifetime.

Meaning: if I had to work here again in this lifetime, I would sooner kill myself.

To those who I have held a great relationship with, I will miss being your co-worker and will cherish our history together. Please don't bother responding as at this very moment I am most likely in my car doing 85 with the windows down listening to Biggie.

One!

I think my wife is having an affair

2007-08-22T11:10:00.000-07:00

Three best friends are talking about problems at work. The first friend says, "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."

The second friend says, "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber. The other day I found a wrench under our bed and it wasn't mine."

The third friend says, "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse!" Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. "No I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey
under our bed."

Honey, what's for Dinner..... :-)

2007-08-22T09:32:00.000-07:00

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.

If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and s o on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."

Then in! A normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"

No response.

So the husband moves to closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again he gets no response;

So he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?”

"James, for the FIFTH time I've said, CHICKEN!"

Moral of the story:

The problem may not be with the other one as we always think, could be very much within us..!

The House of Prostitution

2007-08-21T09:30:00.001-07:00

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye.....It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought..... Soon he sees another sign, which says:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real.... Then he drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.... On the side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell.... The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business.".

"Very well my son. Please follow me."

He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door".............

He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door. This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway ."

He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him.

As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:..........

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED
BY THE SISTERS OF ST FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

Remove one word at a time

2007-08-21T09:15:00.001-07:00

Ever noticed how deleting one word after the other in a sentence can lead to a nice story?

Look at the way the lady gets excited!!

Oh John please don't touch me at all...!

Oh John please don't touch me at...!

Oh John please don't touch...!

Oh John please don't...!

Oh John please...!

Oh John..!

Ohhh........

Diet FAQ (Too funny) ;)

2007-08-21T03:39:00.001-07:00

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a lamb eat? Leaves and corn. And what are these? Vegetables.
So a kabab is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.Need grain?Eat chicken.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain.
Its only the misconception, that narrow minded people have. So, Bottoms up!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO...... Cocoa beans ... another vegetable! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets..........

Have a healthy day ahead....

Toughest MBA Exam Ever

2007-08-20T12:00:00.000-07:00

ONE NIGHT 4 MBA STUDENTS WERE BOOZING TILL LATE NIGHT AND DIDN'T STUDY FOR THE TEST WHICH WAS SCHEDULED FOR THE NEXT DAY.

IN THE MORNING THEY THOUGHT OF A PLAN. THEY MADE THEMSELVES LOOK DIRTY AND WEIRD AS THEY COULD WITH GREASE AND DIRT. THEY THEN WENT UP TO THE DEAN AND SAID THAT THEY HAD GONE OUT TO A WEDDING LAST NIGHT AND ON THEIR RETURN THE TYRE OF THEIR CAR BURST AND THEY HAD TO PUSH THE CAR ALL THE WAY BACK AND THAT THEY WERE IN NO CONDITION TO APPEAR
FOR THE TEST.

SO THE DEAN SAID THEY CAN HAVE THE RETEST AFTER 3 DAYS.THEY SAID THEY WILL BE READY BY THAT TIME.

ON THE THIRD DAY THEY APPEARED BEFORE THE DEAN. THE DEAN SAID THAT THIS WAS A SPECIAL CONDITION TEST. ALL FOUR WERE REQUIRED TO SIT IN SEPARATE CLASSROOMS FOR THE TEST. THEY ALL AGREED AS THEY HAD PREPARED WELL IN THE LAST THREE DAYS.

THE TEST CONSISTED OF 3 QUESTIONS WITH TOTAL OF 100 MARKS.

Q .1. Write down the name, color and number of the car (WEDDING).

(2 MARKS)

Q.2. Write down the location (PLACE) of the wedding.

(2 MARKS)

Q.3. WHICH TYRE BURST ------- (96 MARKS)

What Can you say about these Kids....

2007-08-20T11:02:00.000-07:00

Are You My Daddy??

A baby was born so advanced in development he could talk.

He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor.

"Are you my doctor?" he asked.

"Why, yes, I am," said the doctor.

The baby said, "Thank you for taking such good care of me during the birth."

He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my Mummy?"

"Yes, dear, I am," said the mother, beaming.

"Thank you for taking such Good care of me before I was born," he said.

He then looked at his father and asked, "Are you my Daddy?"

"Yes, I am," his father proudly answered.

The baby motioned him closer, then poked him repeatedly on the

Forehead with his index finger.

"Hurts, doesn't it!?"

HEART

In a kindergarten class, the teacher asks the class to describe "heart".

The 1st girl raise her hand and stood up and said “heart is red in color".

Teacher praise the girl.

Teacher: “Anyone else can give me another answer?”

Another girl raises her hand and got up and said “heart pumps blood".

Teacher praise the girl.

Teacher: “One more answer?”

A little boy got up and said “heart has legs"

Amused and puzzled, the teacher asks the boy why he said heart has legs.

The boy said: "I was outside my daddy's room last night and heard my daddy said "Sweet Heart, Open Your Legs" You see, heart got legs!!

I RATHER HAVE A PUPPY

A little boy and his dad were walking down the Street when they saw two dogs having sex.

The little boy asks his father, “Daddy, what are they doing?"

The father says, "Making a puppy" So they walk on and go home.

A few days later, the little boy walks in on his parents having sex.

The little boy says "Daddy, what are you doing?

"The father replies, "Making a baby."

The l! ittle boy says "hmmmm, can you please flip Mommy around?

I'd rather have a puppy instead!"

SEX EDUCATION

A Primary School teacher decides to teach sex education to her class.

She starts out by drawing a penis on the chalk board and asks the class,

"Does anyone know what this is?"

And little Johnny says, "Yes, my dad has 2 of them!"

And the teacher says, "Are you sure about that?"

And little Johnny says, "Yes, he uses a small skinny one to go to the bathroom and a big long one to torture my mummy with."

DEAD GOLD FISH

Little Tim was in the garden filling a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"

"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, and I've just buried him.

“The neighbor said, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it, Tim?"

Tim patted down the last heap of earth and replied, "That's because I couldn't get him out of your cat."

THE WHOLE TRUTH

At school, a boy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth".

The boy decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him a $50 note and says, "Just don't tell your father.” Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, And greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father also promptly hands him a $50 note and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door.

The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your FATHER a big hug."

WHISPER

A mother took her little boy to church.

While in church the little boy said, "Mommy, I have to pee."

The mother said to the little boy,

"It's not appropriate to say the word 'pee' in church.

So, from now on whenever you have to 'pee' just tell me that you have to "'whisper.'"

The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father,

"Daddy, I have to whisper."

The father looked at him and said, "Okay, why don't you whisper in my ear."

Those days starting with the letter 'T'

2007-08-19T12:27:00.001-07:00

A young wife, who was becoming frustrated with her young husband constant demands for sex, decides to make a schedule for him, to cut down on the amount of times that they will have to make love for the rest of their marriage.

While getting ready for work, she writes on a piece of paper, "Honey, you know I love you, but your never ending requests for sex are leaving me drained and really tired. So I propose that we only have sex on days that start with the letter 'T', to minimise the frequency of our lovemaking sessions. Don't be mad at me honey, just understand where I am coming from, and let me know if my request is too demanding of you."

On her way out the door, she uses a refrigerator magnet and sticks the note to the fridge door, hoping that her sex craved husband will be understanding and accepting of her proposal when he reads it.

Upon returning home, she glances at the refrigerator and notices that her note has been replaced with a note from her husband that reads,” Baby, I didn't realise that I was putting you under so much pressure and I'm sorry. I accept your proposal and have even taken the extra step of listing at the bottom of this letter, those days starting with the letter 'T' to make sure that we are on the same page.

TUESDAY
THURSDAY
TODAY
TOMORROW

P.S. I love you too, and remember it's still TODAY, I am waiting for you upstairs."

Management Lesson

2007-08-17T23:24:00.000-07:00

Johnny wanted to screw a girl in his office.....but she belonged to someone else...

One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said I'll give you a 1000 dollars if you let me screw you....but the girl said NO. Johnny said I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend.....so she called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says ask him for 2000 dollars, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down. So she agrees and accepts the proposal.
Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 mins the boyfriend calls and asks what happened......

She said "THE BASTARD USED COINS!!!"

Management lesson:
ALWAYS CONSIDER A BUSINESS PROPOSAL IN ITS ENTIRETY!

Benefits of medi claim....just 4 laugh

2007-08-17T23:17:00.000-07:00

A couple went to a sex therapists office at ABC Hospital. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us having sex, for your expert analysis?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse" and charged them RM60.00.

This happened several weeks in a row.

The couple would make an Appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor and then leave.

Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

The man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house - I'm married and we can't go to my house.

Shangri-la Putrajaya charges RM250.00, Mandarin Oriental charges RM280.00 , Le Meridian charges M230.00.

We do it here for RM60.00 and I get that back from "Medical Claim".......!!!

Different Positions

2007-08-17T22:20:00.000-07:00

DIFFERENT POSITION:

Husband: Shall we try a different position tonight?

Wife: That’s a good idea dear... you stay at the kitchen area and Ill be at the living room watching tv.

INGENUITY?

A doctor has introduced the use of a device that enlarges a man's sex organ by up to 5 times with no side effects. It is called a magnifying glass.

VIBRATING CELLPHONE:

Mrs.: Faster! My cellfone fell inside my panty and its vibrating!!!

Mr.: What do you want me to do? Do you want me to get it?

Mrs.: Stupid! Go get the charger, I m afraid its already low bat.

HIT MEN:

HIT MAN 1: Are you sure the guy were supposed to kill will pass by here?

HIT MAN 2: "Yeah but I also wonder why he is still not here, we've been waiting for 1 hour now. I hope nothing bad happened to him."

TOOTHPICK:

Customer: This is such a bad restaurant, you only have one toothpick and it’s easily broken.

Waiter (irritated): You know what Sir, of all the customers who used that tooth-pick; you're the only one who broke it.

Euro English

2007-08-14T02:05:00.000-07:00

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, 's' will be used instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard 'c' will be replaced with 'k.' Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced by 'f'. This will make words like 'fotograf' 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horrible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go. By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' by 'z' and 'W' by 'V'.

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords containing 'ou', and similar changes vud of kors; be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil b no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru

I just quit drinking....

2007-08-14T01:32:00.000-07:00

Banta Strikes Back!!! Banta Singh walks into a bar in Ludhiana & orders three glasses of Beer and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender asks him, "You know, beer goes flat after I fill it in the glass; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

Banta Singh replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Dubai, the other in Canada, and I'm here in Ludhiana. When they left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

Banta Singh becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three Beers and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders only two Beers. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says," I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

Banta Singh looks confused for a moment, then light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he, says, "Everyone's fine - both my brothers are alive".

" Only thing is ---- I just quit drinking"!

How to know a man is still a virgin?

2007-08-14T01:27:00.000-07:00

A very 'straight and honest' girl is going to Kuala Lumpur. Before she left, her mother gave her some advice.

"Daughter, when you're in KL and if you're looking for a match there, you must take note of the following the requirements Mother set for you. You must find a man that is faithful’, not 'spendthrift' and must be a "virgin".

With this advice from her mother, the girl went to Town. After some months later, she came home to her kampung to get her mother's blessings to marry.

"Mother, I've met my match following your instructions. My future husband is faithful because when we went out for a holiday one day, he took care of me specifically even though there were so many prettier girls around. Isn't that being faithful?".

Her mother nodded in agreement.

"Then, since the day was getting late in the night and rain was pouring, my boyfriend decided that we stay the night at a hotel. He also suggested that in order not to spend too much, we shared one room only. Isn't he not spendthrift guy?"

For the second time her mother nodded her head in agreement, but with a little concern.

"And finally mum..., I know he is a virgin".

"How did you know he is still a virgin?" The mother asked with repetition.

"Mmm....his 'that one' is new......still wrapped up in plastic, mum!!"

Who enjoy sex more...?

2007-08-13T06:21:00.000-07:00

A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more. The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?" "That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this...when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?"

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A fellow turned to a woman sitting beside him in a bar and said; "Drinking makes you look beautiful, darling."

She looked a little surprised and answered, "but I haven't had a drink yet." He smiled and said, "no, but I have!"

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The Governor made room on his busy calendar to hear the plea of one Senora Rodriguez that her husband be released from the state penitentiary. "What was he sentenced for?" asked the Governor gently.

"For stealing a bread truck," replied the offender's wife, nervously fingering her mantilla.

"Is he a good husband?"

"No," she replied frankly, blushing a bit. "He beats me when he gets drunk, he bullies our children, and he’s unfaithful and really not much good at all."

"It sounds to me as though you're better off without him," said the Governor. "Why on earth do you want him out of jail?"

"Well," she explained, "we're out of bread again."

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Tammy bought a new book recently entitled "What Twenty Million American Women Want."

Seeing the title, Doug grabbed the book out of her hand and started thumbing through the pages.

Astonished and not just a little bit irritated, Tammy stared up at him and said, "What in the world are you doing?"

Doug replies, "I just want to see if they've got my name spelled right."

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At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends. "The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical, tell jokes, sing, and stay home at night!"

An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Honey, if that's all you want, get a TV!"

Top 8 Signs You Have Too Many Kids

2007-08-13T06:16:00.000-07:00

Neighbors take up collection to buy you a vasectomy.

Locals refer to you as "That couple that's always doin' it!"

When your kid says, "I Love You', you say, And you are?"

A 'Gap For Kids' just opened in your living room.

Family wiffle ball game has larger attendance than Devil Rays games.

You're spending $7.3 million a year in allowance.

Any movie you take kids to instantly becomes number one film in the country.

Kids sleep in bunk beds, sit on bunk sofas.

5 cents more....

2007-08-13T05:47:00.000-07:00

This just-married Chinese coupled decide to make love on their wedding night in the hotel where they held their wedding. The wife did not want to get pregnant and requested the husband to buy condom from the shop nearby.

When the husband went out, the wife waited anxiously in the room with all the lights switched off... While the husband was out, an Indian thief came into the room.

The wife did not notice and thought that it was her husband. She grabbed the Indian and happily screwed away.The wife was so exhausted that she fell asleep immediately. In the mean time, the husband had a hard time looking for a shop that sold condoms and when he finally found one, he realized that he had only one 20-cent coin.

He asked the shop owner to sell him one piece of condom and the shop owner asked him which quality that he wanted.

"The white condom, lowest quality, is 15 cent each.”

“The black condom, average quality, is 20 cent each.”

“And purple condom, the highest quality, is 25 cent each."

So, the husband chose the black condom as he had only 20 cent with him. When he reached the hotel, he found his wife sleeping. Without a warning, he jumped onto his wife and started making love. The wife was surprised that the husband was so energetic after the "first" session.

A year later, the wife gave birth to a "black" baby boy. When the baby grows up, he asks the father, "Pa, why am I black and you are white?"

The father replied, "You are damn lucky already boy......5 cent more and you would be PURPLE now!!!!!!"

Is language a problem

2007-08-13T03:59:00.000-07:00

Sometimes Language is a problem !!!

This is a true story from the Japanese Embassy in US.

A few years ago, Prime Minister Mori was given some basic English conversation training before he visited Washington and met President Bill Clinton.

The instructor told Mori "Prime Minister, when you shake hands with President Clinton, please say "how are you?". Then Mr. Clinton would say,"I am fine, and you?" Now you should say 'me too'.

Afterwards, we, translators, will do all the work for you." It looks quite simple, but the truth is....

When Mori met Clinton, he mistakenly said "Who Are You?"

Mr.. Clinton was a bit shocked but still managed to react with humour: "Well, I am Hilary's husband haha..."

Then Mori replied confidently "Me too, hahaha.."

Then there was a long moment of silence...

Don't Mess With Old Ladies

2007-08-13T03:02:00.000-07:00

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

Moral: Don't Mess With Old Ladies

Why We Love Children

2007-08-13T02:47:00.000-07:00

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know,"explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later ....."Da-ad...." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?" "No, You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??" "I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!" Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....." "WHAT!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her on into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy"

It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...." His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, "..... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said,
"Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough." The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie." She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."

Now keep that smile on your face

5 DON'TS when you are sleeping

2007-08-13T02:27:00.001-07:00

DON'T SLEEP WITH WATCH

Watches can emit a certain level of radioactivity. Though small, but if you wear your watch to bed for a long time, it might have adverse effects on your health.

DON'T SLEEP WITH PHONE

Putting the phone beside your bed or anywhere near you is not encouraged. Though some of us will use phones as alarm clocks, but please put the phone as far as possible. Scientists have proved that electrical items including mobile phone and television sets emit magnetic waves when used. These waves can cause disruptions to our nervous system. Therefore if you need to put your mobile phone near you, switch it off first.

DON'T SLEEP WITH MAKE UP

People who sleep with make up might have skin problems in the long run. Sleeping with make up will cause the skin to have difficulty in breathing and problem in perspiring. You will also need a much longer time to go into deep sleep.

DON'T SLEEP WITH BRA

Scientists in America have discovered those that wear bras for more than 12 hours have a higher risk of getting breast cancer. So go to bed without it.

DON'T SLEEP WITH OTHERS' WIFE

You may never wake up again

Which All things can Kill you

2007-08-12T21:14:00.001-07:00

Fifteen days ago, I read that smoking can kill you; The next day I stopped smoking.

Twelve days ago, I read that too much red meat can kill you; The next day I stopped eating red meat.

Eight days ago, I read that drinking can kill you; the next day I stopped drinking.

Yesterday, I read that having sex can kill you; this morning Istopped reading.

Intelligent Women

2007-08-11T03:08:00.000-07:00

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large, raging violent river.

Needing to get on the other side, the first man prayed, "God, please give me the strength to cross the river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed, "God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river." Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed, "God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross this river." Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

You're Not a Kid Anymore When...

2007-08-10T10:44:00.000-07:00

You're Not a Kid Anymore When...

You enjoy watching the news.

The phone rings and you hope its not for you.

The only reason you're still awake at 4 am is indigestion.

People ask what color your hair USED to be.

You're proud of your lawn mower.

You start singing along with the elevator music.

Your car has four doors.

You've owned clothes so long that they've come back into style --TWICE.

8 AM is your idea of "sleeping in".

You write thank you notes without being told.

You start Christmas shopping in August.

You don't like to drive after dark.

You say the words "Turn that music down!"

You point out what buildings used to be where.

You can't remember the last time you lay on the floor to watch television.