Jokes on Attorney/Witness

These are from a book called Disorder in the American
Courts, and are things people actually said in court,
word for word, taken down and now published by court
reporters that had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

WITNESS: July 18th.

ATTORNEY: What year?

WITNESS: Every year.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your
memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of
something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?

WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember
which.

ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?

WITNESS: Forty-five years.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to
you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Mary.

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person
dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the
next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? 

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how
old is he?

WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one. 

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was
taken?

WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was
August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Uh....

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a
beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant
to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you
performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What
School did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined
body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering
why I was doing an autopsy on him!

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine
sample?

WITNESS: Huh?

And the best for last

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy,
did you check For a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient
was alive When you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk
in a jar.

ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been
alive And practicing law.