Old Age

Two elderly people living in Trailer Estates, he was a Widower and she a widow, had known each other for a number of years.

One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. The two were at the same table; across from one another as the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage to ask her, “Will you marry me?"

After about six seconds of ' careful consideration’, she answered "Yes. Yes, I will. "

The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places.

Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.

First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"

He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I Meant it with all my heart.” Then she continued, "I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."

Cute Drawing's

My Office Time Table

Worst Day of My Life :-)

There's this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink . He stays like that for half-hour.

Then, this big trouble making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying.

The truck driver says: " Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying."

"No, it's not that. Today is the worst day of my life.

First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss, outrageous, fired me. When I left the building to my car,

I found out it was stolen.

The police, they said they couldn't do anything.

I got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my wallet in the cab.

I got home only to find my wife was with the gardener.

I left home and came to this bar. When I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison ..."

Making a baby - This is hilarious!!!

There is not one dirty word in it, though it is funny. ....

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look"

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."

Mrs. Smith fainted!!

Don't copy if you can't paste

Not too long ago, a large seminar was held for ministers and reverends in training.

Among the facilitators were many well-known motivational speakers.

One such speaker boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best
years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife!"

The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "That woman was my mother!" The crowd burst into laughter and he gave
his speech, which was well received.

About a week later, one of the ministers who had attended the seminar decided to use that joke in his sermon. As he
shyly approached the pulpit one sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It was a bit foggy to him. Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!"

His congregation sat shocked, murmuring. After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall the second half of the
joke, the pastor finally blurted out "...and I can't remember who she was!"

Moral of the story: Don't copy if you can't paste

Can anyone clear these doubts...

1. If all the nations in the world are in debt(am not joking. Even US has got debts), where did all the money go? (weird)

2.When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? (to be given a thought)

3.What is the speed of darkness? (absurd)

4.If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff? (very good thinking)

5.Who copyrighted the copyright symbol? (who knows)

6.Can you cry under water? (let me try)

7.Why do people say, "you've been working like a dog" when dogs just sit a round all day? (I think they meant something else)

8.Why are the numbers on a calculator and a phone reversed? (God knows)

9.Do fish ever get thirsty? (let me ask and tell)

10.Can you get cornered in a round room? (by ones eyes)

11.Why do birds not fall out of trees when they sleep? (tonight I will stay and watch)

12.What came first, the fruit or the color orange? (seed)

13.If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oils made from vegetables,then what is baby oil made from? (No comments)

14.What should one call a male ladybird? (Nocomments)

15.If a person suffered from amnesia and then was cured would they remember that they forgot? (can somebody help )

16.Can you blow a balloon up under water? (yes u can)

17.Why is it called a "building" when it is already built? (strange isn't it)

18.If you were traveling at the speed of sound and you turned on your radio would you be ! Able to hear it? (got to think scientifically)

19.If you're traveling at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?

20.Why is it called a TV set when theres only one? (very nice)

21.If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth? (this is nice)

22.Why do most cars have speedometers that go up to at least 130 when you legally can't go that fast on any road? (stupid, break the law)

23. If drink & drive is not allowed why the hell they have parking in Bars?

Why "MEN DIE FOR WOMAN" ?

Why "MEN DIE FOR WOMAN" ?.... This is the best pics

Little Johnny attending Roll Call

Check this out…..

A teacher always took roll call each morning and had the pupils' answer by reciting a short poem. The first kid sat in the first row was a teacher's pet. He stood and said, "My name is Dan, and when I become a man, I would like to go to Japan if I can, and I think I can."

The next kid was a little girl who sat in the middle of the room. She stood up and answered the roll call by stating, "My name is Suzy, and when I become a lady I would like to have a baby...if I can, and I think I can."

The next on the list was Little Johnny, a smart guy sitting in the back of the room. He stood up and said, "My name is Johnny, and I don't give a damn about Japan but I would like to help Suzy in her plan if I can and I think I can!

Anger Management at its BEST

I am sure you just can't stop laughing while reading this...too good.

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, rather take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make.

I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying "Hello."

I politely said, "This is Joe. Could I please speak with Robyn?"

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f**ing number!" and the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!"

It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic "asshole calling" would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from Verizon. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"

He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.

Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me.

I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window which included his phone number, so I wrote down the number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too I said,

"Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is", he said.

"Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.

"Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, in Vaucluse. It's a yellow house, andthe car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. Then I came up with an idea. I called asshole #1.

"Hello."

"You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"Asshole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up.

Then I called asshole #2.

"Hello?" he said.

"Hello, asshole," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really works...

News Headlines in 2020

Bush did it again

Bush puts his foot in it, again!

Air Force One arrives at Heathrow and President Bush strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.

They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of Central London where they change to a magnificent 17^th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on towards Buckingham Palace waving to the
thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.

Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth-shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire.

The smell is atrocious!

Both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach but the two dignitaries of state do their best to ignore the incident.

The Queen turns to President Bush, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I am sure you understand there are some things that even a queen cannot control."

George Bush, always trying to be presidential, replies, "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought. Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."

All About Mistakes.....

If a barber makes a mistake, It’s a New Style

____________________________________________________

If a driver makes a mistake, It is a New Path

____________________________________________________

If a engineer makes a mistake, It is a New Venture

____________________________________________________

If parents makes a mistake, It is a New Generation

____________________________________________________

If a politician makes a mistake, It is a New Law

____________________________________________________

If a scientist makes a mistake, It is a New Invention

____________________________________________________

If a tailor makes a mistake, It is a New Fashion

____________________________________________________

If a teacher makes a mistake, It is a New Theory

____________________________________________________

If our boss makes a mistake, It is a New Idea

____________________________________________________

If an employee makes a mistake, It is a 100% MISTAKE

Y chocolate is better then sex

Here is a list with 26 reasons for you to prefer the chocolate then sex. To eat chocolate is 4 times better then to kiss:

1. The chocolate satisfies when critical exactly.
2. You can eat chocolate in the car, without being interrupted by the guard.
3. You can eat chocolate in the front of your mother.
4. If you to bite it with force, the chocolate do not cry out and she does not complain.
5. Two people, of the same sex can eat chocolate without being called by ugly names.
6. Chocolate does not complain if you eat it very fast.
7. You can ask for chocolate to somebody without taking him covering the face.
8. Chocolate smears, but it does not leave one with mourning.
9. You do not need to lie for the chocolate.
10. The chocolate does not bind if you are virgin or not.
11. You can eat chocolate without caring of menstrual cycle.
12. You can eat chocolate in any day of the week.
13. A good chocolate is easy to find.
14. You never thought , whether it is very young or very old to eat chocolate.
15. When you eat chocolate, the neighbors do not hear.
16. The size of the chocolate does not matter, only what matters is the pleasure that it provides.
17. The chocolate smells well.
18. It is neither difficult nor aches, to eat chocolate for the first time.
19. You can take the chocolate in the stock market, pocket and even though in that hip-pocket that you use.
20. You can eat chocolate to the will, that never goes to engraver.
21. Chocolate does not transmit illnesses.
22. You do not need to use condom to eat chocolate.
23. If your son comes to eat chocolate, does not make you ask contradictory questions.
24. Nobody finishes marriage due to chocolate.
25. You need not to wait for one hour almost to eat another one.
26. The chocolate will not feel you guilty when you speak about the wonderful chocolate that you have eaten in Lawn.

The Bath Tub Test

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.


**************


During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.


"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."


" No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window? "

Boys will be boys -

A new lady teacher came to teach 8th standard students. As it was the first day, she gave her intro, and asked all the students to introduce themselves with name and hobby.

She said, "Let's start with the boys first."

Boys start giving their intro...

First boy: " My name is John, and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub ."


Teacher was confused to listen but said, "Interesting. Well, Ok. In fact, we must be honest in telling the hobby. And after all there is essentially a child in each of us. So it's ok John.

Yes next."

Second boy: " Myself Peter and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub.

"Teacher now got surprised and said, "Good. I like the spirit of supporting a friend.

Ok next."

Third boy : "I'm Smith and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub.

"Teacher: "Guys are you joking or what? Please be sincere.

Ok next.

"This continues...and the last boy stands up "I'm Harry and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub."

Exhausted, the teacher said, "I don't think I will be able to teach un-grown boys for long.

Anyway, now the girls please."

First girl: "I'm Julie and my hobby is to see birds."

Teacher: "Good. At last I got something different. Ok next."

Second girl: "I'm Ruby and I like to collect perfumes."

Teacher "Now it's like educated grown up girls. Ok~next. You sweet girl;

Yes you..."
Most beautiful girl of the class:

"Mam, my name is Bubble, and my hobby is to take bath three times a day."

10 ways to stop....

10 ways to stop those credit card sales, idea/hutch/airtel , insurance calls etc ... (no offences PLz)

1. After the telemarketer finishes speaking, ask him/her to marry you.

2. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment, and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back.

3. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

4. Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

5. Tell them that all business goes through your agent, and hand the phone to your five year old child.

6. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up...louder...louder...louder!

7. Tell them to speak very slowly because you want to write every word down.

8. If they start out with, "How are you today?", say "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems............"

9. Cry out in surprise, "Helen, is that you? I've been hoping you'd call! How is the family?" When they insist they are not Helen, tell them to stop joking. This works especially well if the telemarketer is really MALE.

10. Tell the HSBC call center guy to call on your office number. - and give him the ICICI call center number.

Technology on street..

A techie transfers fund for a penalty from his laptop near Trinity Circle in Bangalore on Tuesday....