Damn good explanation

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman, and was somewhat upset.

"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me - a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!"

And Paddy (for it was he) replied "Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you what happened."

"Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, "but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"

And Paddy began - "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight.
The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same...

" Here Paddy took a quick breath and continued, "She was so grateful for my understanding and help, and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, "Please... do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"

What Can you say about these Kids....

Are You My Daddy??

A baby was born so advanced in development he could talk.

He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor.

"Are you my doctor?" he asked.

"Why, yes, I am," said the doctor.

The baby said, "Thank you for taking such good care of me during the birth."

He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my Mummy?"

"Yes, dear, I am," said the mother, beaming.

"Thank you for taking such Good care of me before I was born," he said.

He then looked at his father and asked, "Are you my Daddy?"

"Yes, I am," his father proudly answered.

The baby motioned him closer, then poked him repeatedly on the

Forehead with his index finger.

"Hurts, doesn't it!?"

HEART

In a kindergarten class, the teacher asks the class to describe "heart".

The 1st girl raise her hand and stood up and said “heart is red in color".

Teacher praise the girl.

Teacher: “Anyone else can give me another answer?”

Another girl raises her hand and got up and said “heart pumps blood".

Teacher praise the girl.

Teacher: “One more answer?”

A little boy got up and said “heart has legs"

Amused and puzzled, the teacher asks the boy why he said heart has legs.

The boy said: "I was outside my daddy's room last night and heard my daddy said "Sweet Heart, Open Your Legs" You see, heart got legs!!

I RATHER HAVE A PUPPY

A little boy and his dad were walking down the Street when they saw two dogs having sex.

The little boy asks his father, “Daddy, what are they doing?"

The father says, "Making a puppy" So they walk on and go home.

A few days later, the little boy walks in on his parents having sex.

The little boy says "Daddy, what are you doing?

"The father replies, "Making a baby."

The l! ittle boy says "hmmmm, can you please flip Mommy around?

I'd rather have a puppy instead!"

SEX EDUCATION

A Primary School teacher decides to teach sex education to her class.

She starts out by drawing a penis on the chalk board and asks the class,

"Does anyone know what this is?"

And little Johnny says, "Yes, my dad has 2 of them!"

And the teacher says, "Are you sure about that?"

And little Johnny says, "Yes, he uses a small skinny one to go to the bathroom and a big long one to torture my mummy with."

DEAD GOLD FISH

Little Tim was in the garden filling a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"

"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, and I've just buried him.

“The neighbor said, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it, Tim?"

Tim patted down the last heap of earth and replied, "That's because I couldn't get him out of your cat."

THE WHOLE TRUTH

At school, a boy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth".

The boy decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him a $50 note and says, "Just don't tell your father.” Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, And greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father also promptly hands him a $50 note and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door.

The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your FATHER a big hug."

WHISPER

A mother took her little boy to church.

While in church the little boy said, "Mommy, I have to pee."

The mother said to the little boy,

"It's not appropriate to say the word 'pee' in church.

So, from now on whenever you have to 'pee' just tell me that you have to "'whisper.'"

The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father,

"Daddy, I have to whisper."

The father looked at him and said, "Okay, why don't you whisper in my ear."

Those days starting with the letter 'T'

A young wife, who was becoming frustrated with her young husband constant demands for sex, decides to make a schedule for him, to cut down on the amount of times that they will have to make love for the rest of their marriage.

While getting ready for work, she writes on a piece of paper, "Honey, you know I love you, but your never ending requests for sex are leaving me drained and really tired. So I propose that we only have sex on days that start with the letter 'T', to minimise the frequency of our lovemaking sessions. Don't be mad at me honey, just understand where I am coming from, and let me know if my request is too demanding of you."

On her way out the door, she uses a refrigerator magnet and sticks the note to the fridge door, hoping that her sex craved husband will be understanding and accepting of her proposal when he reads it.

Upon returning home, she glances at the refrigerator and notices that her note has been replaced with a note from her husband that reads,” Baby, I didn't realise that I was putting you under so much pressure and I'm sorry. I accept your proposal and have even taken the extra step of listing at the bottom of this letter, those days starting with the letter 'T' to make sure that we are on the same page.

TUESDAY
THURSDAY
TODAY
TOMORROW

P.S. I love you too, and remember it's still TODAY, I am waiting for you upstairs."

Management Lesson

Johnny wanted to screw a girl in his office.....but she belonged to someone else...

One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said I'll give you a 1000 dollars if you let me screw you....but the girl said NO. Johnny said I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend.....so she called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says ask him for 2000 dollars, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down. So she agrees and accepts the proposal.
Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 mins the boyfriend calls and asks what happened......

She said "THE BASTARD USED COINS!!!"

Management lesson:
ALWAYS CONSIDER A BUSINESS PROPOSAL IN ITS ENTIRETY!

Benefits of medi claim....just 4 laugh

A couple went to a sex therapists office at ABC Hospital. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us having sex, for your expert analysis?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse" and charged them RM60.00.

This happened several weeks in a row.

The couple would make an Appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor and then leave.

Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

The man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house - I'm married and we can't go to my house.

Shangri-la Putrajaya charges RM250.00, Mandarin Oriental charges RM280.00 , Le Meridian charges M230.00.

We do it here for RM60.00 and I get that back from "Medical Claim".......!!!

Different Positions

DIFFERENT POSITION:

Husband: Shall we try a different position tonight?

Wife: That’s a good idea dear... you stay at the kitchen area and Ill be at the living room watching tv.

INGENUITY?

A doctor has introduced the use of a device that enlarges a man's sex organ by up to 5 times with no side effects. It is called a magnifying glass.

VIBRATING CELLPHONE:

Mrs.: Faster! My cellfone fell inside my panty and its vibrating!!!

Mr.: What do you want me to do? Do you want me to get it?

Mrs.: Stupid! Go get the charger, I m afraid its already low bat.

HIT MEN:

HIT MAN 1: Are you sure the guy were supposed to kill will pass by here?

HIT MAN 2: "Yeah but I also wonder why he is still not here, we've been waiting for 1 hour now. I hope nothing bad happened to him."

TOOTHPICK:

Customer: This is such a bad restaurant, you only have one toothpick and it’s easily broken.

Waiter (irritated): You know what Sir, of all the customers who used that tooth-pick; you're the only one who broke it.

Who enjoy sex more...?

A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more. The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?" "That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this...when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?"

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A fellow turned to a woman sitting beside him in a bar and said; "Drinking makes you look beautiful, darling."

She looked a little surprised and answered, "but I haven't had a drink yet." He smiled and said, "no, but I have!"

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The Governor made room on his busy calendar to hear the plea of one Senora Rodriguez that her husband be released from the state penitentiary. "What was he sentenced for?" asked the Governor gently.

"For stealing a bread truck," replied the offender's wife, nervously fingering her mantilla.

"Is he a good husband?"

"No," she replied frankly, blushing a bit. "He beats me when he gets drunk, he bullies our children, and he’s unfaithful and really not much good at all."

"It sounds to me as though you're better off without him," said the Governor. "Why on earth do you want him out of jail?"

"Well," she explained, "we're out of bread again."

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Tammy bought a new book recently entitled "What Twenty Million American Women Want."

Seeing the title, Doug grabbed the book out of her hand and started thumbing through the pages.

Astonished and not just a little bit irritated, Tammy stared up at him and said, "What in the world are you doing?"

Doug replies, "I just want to see if they've got my name spelled right."

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At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends. "The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical, tell jokes, sing, and stay home at night!"

An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Honey, if that's all you want, get a TV!"

5 cents more....

This just-married Chinese coupled decide to make love on their wedding night in the hotel where they held their wedding. The wife did not want to get pregnant and requested the husband to buy condom from the shop nearby.

When the husband went out, the wife waited anxiously in the room with all the lights switched off... While the husband was out, an Indian thief came into the room.

The wife did not notice and thought that it was her husband. She grabbed the Indian and happily screwed away.The wife was so exhausted that she fell asleep immediately. In the mean time, the husband had a hard time looking for a shop that sold condoms and when he finally found one, he realized that he had only one 20-cent coin.

He asked the shop owner to sell him one piece of condom and the shop owner asked him which quality that he wanted.

"The white condom, lowest quality, is 15 cent each.”

“The black condom, average quality, is 20 cent each.”

“And purple condom, the highest quality, is 25 cent each."

So, the husband chose the black condom as he had only 20 cent with him. When he reached the hotel, he found his wife sleeping. Without a warning, he jumped onto his wife and started making love. The wife was surprised that the husband was so energetic after the "first" session.

A year later, the wife gave birth to a "black" baby boy. When the baby grows up, he asks the father, "Pa, why am I black and you are white?"

The father replied, "You are damn lucky already boy......5 cent more and you would be PURPLE now!!!!!!"

Which All things can Kill you

Fifteen days ago, I read that smoking can kill you; The next day I stopped smoking.

Twelve days ago, I read that too much red meat can kill you; The next day I stopped eating red meat.

Eight days ago, I read that drinking can kill you; the next day I stopped drinking.

Yesterday, I read that having sex can kill you; this morning Istopped reading.

Which pharmacist are you visiting today

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"

Be Strong Honey

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks
into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying
the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck. Then gets up
and
goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, 'Listen, this guy's
an escaped convict! Look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time
in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.

If he wants sex, don't resist. Don't complain. Do whatever he tells you.

Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably
very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong. Honey, I
love you.'

To which the wife responds, 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering
in my ear. He told me he was gay. He thought you were cute and asked
if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong
honey,

I love you too!!'