How to shop during Christmas

On our last venture out for Christmas shopping, we had bought a few gadgets for the younguns and then realized we didn't have any batteries.

I stepped over to the counter to get the batteries, but I couldn't attract any clerk's attention.

I waited a while then said to April, "I'll get someone's attention. Stay right here." With what, I pulled out a tape measure I just happened to have with me, and started to measure" one of those large screen plasma television sets. You know the ones that go for about $4000.

Amazingly, a clerk almost leap-frogged over several pieces of furniture to reach my side.

"Sir! Can I help you?" he exclaimed.

"Yeah, you can. I'll take 8 of those batteries over there."

1922 in USA

"June 30, 1922. Washington policeman Bill Norton measuring the distance between knee and suit at the Tidal Basin bathing beach after Col. Sherrell, Superintendent of Public Buildings and Grounds, issued an order that suits not be over six inches above the knee." National Photo Co. [Originally posted June 19, 2007.]

Lovely and Funny and Logical

A 45 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth!

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as Well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied: "I didn't recognize you."

Zip It UP

A patient with severe stomach ache went to doctor who advised operation and removal of Appendix. Operation over and discharged.

Pain reappeared. After examining him doctor said “During the operation, a scissors has been left in the stomach. We will remove it".

After getting discharged, once again there was severe pain in the abdomen. Patient became furious. Doctor after examining said in an apologetical tone, "Sorry Sir, there was a mistake. A scalpel is inside the abdomen. It has to be removed. The operation will be done at our cost."

Patient agreed. Operation was successful. After removing the scalpel, the doctors were about to suture the wound. At that time, anesthetic effect had gone and patient became conscious. He told "Don’t suture the wound. Instead put a Zip so that I myself can take out anything left inside!”

Paying the bill

A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money.

The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn’t been paid.

The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, “We can’t ship your new order until you pay for the last one.”

The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call, “Please cancel the order. We can’t wait that long.”