15 Laws for Women to Live by

15 Laws for Women to Live by

Best way to get a man to do something - suggest they are too old for it.

Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

Don’t imagine you can change a man - unless he’s in diapers.

Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

If he asks what sort of books you’re interested in, tell him checkbooks.

If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

If you want a committed man - look in a mental hospital.

Love is blind - but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

Never let your man’s mind wander - it’s too little to be out alone.

Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes; it means that you laugh at his.

Sadly, all men are created equal.

The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn’t ask for directions.

What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

Women don’t make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

Psychiatric Hotline

Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline

• If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
• If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
• If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
• If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
• If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
• If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

Interesting Answering Machine Messages

Looking for some smart message to put on your telephone answering machine?
Here are some real examples…

My wife and I can’t come to the phone right now, but if you’ll leave your name and number, we’ll get back to you just as soon as we’re finished.

A is for Academics ... B is for Beer. One of those reasons is why we’re not here. Please leave a message.

Hi. This is John.

If you’re the phone company, I already sent the money.

If you’re my parents, please send me money.

If you are my financial aid institution, you didn’t lend me enough money.

If you are a friend, you owe me money.

If you are a female, I have plenty of money.

Leave your message after the beep.

(Narrator’s voice)

There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly, the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms wind-milling at incredible speeds. Will he make it in time? Alas, no. His valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message. Hi. Now you say something.

Hi. I’m not home right now, but my answering machine is. So you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

Hello, I’m David’s answering machine. What are you?

Hi! John’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these little magnets.

Hello, this is Sally’s microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with a tape deck, so I’m stuck with taking her calls. Say... if you want anything cooked while you’re leaving your message, just hold it up to the phone.

Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need replacement windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you’re still with me, leave your name and number after the beep and they will get back to you.

This is not an answering machine. It is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and the number where I can reach you. I’ll think about returning your call.

Hi. I’m probably home. I’m just avoiding talking with someone I don’t like. Leave me a message, and if I don’t call back, it’s you.

Hi! This is Anna's disembodied voice, she can't come to the phone right now, leave a message or try another plane of existance.

Hi. This is George. Sorry I can’t come to the phone right now. Leave your name and number, then wait by your phone until I call you back.

Hello. If you’re a burglar, then we are probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can’t come to the phone. Otherwise, we are probably not at home and it is safe to leave us a message.

You’re growing tired. Your eyelids are becoming very heavy. You feel sleepy now. You are gradually losing your will power and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone, you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, telephone number and a brief message.

At the sound of the tone, you may leave a message. You have the right to remain silent. However, anything you say will be recorded and may be used by us.

Hello. You’ve reached Jim and Sonya. We can’t come to the phone right now because we’re doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes to do it up and down, and I like doing it left to right ... very slowly. So leave a message, and when we’re done brushing our teeth, we’ll get back to you!

Professor's Definition of a Kiss

Professors of different subjects define the same word in different ways:

Prof. of Computer Science:
A kiss is a few bits of love compiled into a byte.

Prof. of Algebra:
A kiss is two divided by nothing.

Prof. of Geometry:
A kiss is the shortest distance between two straight lines.

Prof. of Physics:
A kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.

Prof. of Chemistry:
A kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.

Prof. of Zoology:
A kiss is the interchange of unisexual salivary bacteria.

Prof. of Physiology:
A kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicular ors muscles in the state of contraction.

Prof. of Dentistry:
A kiss is infectious and antiseptic.

Prof. of Accountancy:
A kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.

Prof. of Economics:
A kiss is that thing for which the demand is higher than the supply.

Prof. of Statistics:
A kiss is an event whose probability depends on the vital statistics of 36-24-36.

Prof. of Philosophy:
A kiss is the persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth and homage for the old.

Prof. of English:
A kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction; it is more common than proper; it is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all.

Prof. of Engineering:
Uh, What? I'm not familiar with that term.

Universal Grade Change Form

University: ______________________

To: Professor_____________________

From: __________________________

I think my grade in your course,___________________, should be changed from ______ to _______ for the following reasons:

__1. The persons who copied my paper made a higher grade than I did.

__2. The person whose paper I copied made a higher grade than I did.

__3. This course will lower my Grade Point Average and I won't get into:

__Medical School

__Graduate School

__Dental School

__My Fraternity/Sorority

__The Mickey Mouse Club

__Tri County Tech

__4. I have to get an A in this course to balance the F in: _______________.

__5. I'll lose my scholarship.

__6. I'm on a varsity sports team and my tutor couldn't find a copy of your exam.

__7. I didn't come to class and the person whose notes I used did not cover the material asked for on the exam.

__8. I studied the basic principles and the exam wanted every little fact.

__9. I learned all the facts and definitions but your exams asked about general principles.

__10. You are prejudiced against:

__Males
__Jews
__Blacks
__Females
__Catholics
__Whites
__Protestants
__Moslems
__Minorities
__Chicanos
__People
__Students

__11. If I flunk out of school my father will disinherit me or at least cut my allowance.

__12. I was unable to do well in this course because of the following illness:

__mono
__broken baby finger

__acute alcoholism

__pregnancy
__VD
__fatherhood

__13. You told us to be creative but you didn't tell us exactly how you wanted that done.

__14. I was creative and you said I was just shooting the bull.

__15. I don't have a reason; I just want a higher grade.

__16. The lectures were:

__too detailed to pick out important points

__not explained in sufficient detail

__too boring

__all jokes and not enough material

__all of the above

__17. This course was:

__too early, I was not awake.

__at lunchtime, I was hungry

__too late, I was tired

__18. My (dog, cat, gerbil) (ate, wet on, threw up on) my (book, notes, paper) for this course.

__19. Other__________________________________

Graduation Day at DCE

Wouldn't it be nice to tell the Dean of your college what you REALLY think about him/her? Well, if you like your Dean as much as I like my Dean, then you'd better keep your mouth shut. I knew I'd get kicked out of the college if I expressed my true feelings, so I remained silent for the last four years.

But yesterday was my graduation. And as I walked across the stage, the Dean handed my diploma to me (nicely scrolled and tied with a ribbon).

Once she handed it to me, I could finally tell that bitch what I REALLY thought about her. So I leaned across her podium and I looked her straight in the eye.

"Hey Bitch," I said. "You're so damn ugly; you could practice birth control just by leaving the lights on!"

And then I walked off the stage, and went home. I gotta tell you that it felt just as good as I had imagined it would for the last four years.

Today, I unwrapped my diploma, framed it, and hung it in the living room, where it proudly exclaims to the world: "In order to receive your diploma, please present this certificate to the Dean of your college after final grades have been posted!"

P.S: This is just a joke to make you people smile,this post doesn't have resemblance to any living person.

Exam Solutions

Exam Answers

The following questions and answers were collated from Indian Delhi 2008 exams (16 year olds)! Give us strength ... these people are tomorrow's leaders ... my bet is that we will become extinct!

Geography
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Sociology
Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Biology
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen).
A: The body is consisted into three parts-the brainium, theborax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains thebrain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.

Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does *varicose- mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term *Caesarean Section.
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

English
Q: Use the word *judicious- in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q: What does the word *benign- mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Technology
Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears.

IQ TEST

Intelligence Test Instructions: Write each of your answers down, it makes a difference! You will be allowed 10 minutes to complete the test. Write your answers in the spaces provided. Are you ready ? What is the time?

Start.

1) Some months have 30 days,some months have 31 days. How many months have 28 days? ____________________

2) If a doctor gives you 3 pills and tells you to take one pill every half hour, how long would it be before all the pills had been taken? ____________________

3) I went to bed at eight o'clock in the evening and wound up my clock and set the alarm to sound at nine o'clock in the morning. How many hours sleep would I get before being awoken by the alarm? ____________________

4) Divide 30 by half and add ten. What do you get?____________________

5) A farmer had 17 sheep. All but 9 died. How many live sheep were left? ___________________

6) If you had only one match and entered a COLD and DARK room, where there was an oil heater, an oil lamp and a candle, which would you light first? ____________________

7) A man builds a house with four sides of rectangular construction, each side having a southern exposure. A big bear comes along. What color is the bear? ____________________

8) Take 2 apples from 3 apples. What do you have? ___________________

9) How many animals of each species did Moses take with him in the Ark? ____________________

10) If you drove a bus with 43 people on board from Chicago and stopped at Pittsburg to pick up 7 more people and drop off 5 passengers and at Cleveland to drop off 8 passengers and pick up 4 more and eventually arrive at Philadelphia 20 hours later, what's the name of the driver? ____________________

Answers in the following article - no cheating now! GOOD LUCK!

____________________________________________________

Answers:
1) All of them. Every month has at least 28 days.
2) 1 hour. If you take a pill at 1 o'clock,then another at 1.30 and the last at 2 o'clock,they will be taken in 1 hour.
3) 1 hour. It is a wind up alarm clock which cannot discriminate between a.m. and p.m.
4) 70. Dividing by half is the same as multiplying by 2.
5) 9 live sheep.
6) The match.
7) White. If all walls face south, the house must be on the North Pole.
8) 2 apples. I HAVE 3 APPLES, YOU TAKE 2, WHAT DO YOU HAVE?
9) None. It was Noah, not Moses.
10) YOU are the driver.

Grading Scale (out of 10)

8+ Engineer
7 Student
6 High school pupil
5 Primary school pupil
4 Teacher
3 College lecturer
2 University lecturer
1 Member of Congress

Illogical

Students secures lower marks in his dce 2008 exam, after looking at the mark sheet he asks professor.
Student : "Can you answer any question ? " .
Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"
Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an "A" for the exam. "
Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?
Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?"
Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as agreed.
Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.
He immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife's lover an "A", although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical."

Santa answers Medical Terminology

Have you heard of Mr. Santa Singh applying to a medical school to become a doctor?
Needless to say he never made it. You know why?
These are the answers he wrote in his entrance exam.
Antibody - against everyone
Artery - The study of the paintings.
Bacteria - back door to a cafeteria.
Caesarean section - a district in Rome.
Cardiology - advance study of poker playing.
Cat scan - searching for lost kitty.
Chronic - neck of a crow.
Coma - punctuation mark.
Cortisone - area around local court.
Cyst - short for sister.
Diagnosis - person with slanted nose.
Dilate - the late British Princess Diana.
Dislocation - in this place.
Duodenum - couple in blue jeans.
Enema - not a friend.
Fake labour - pretending to work.
Genes - blue denim.
Hernia - she is close by.
Impotent - distinguished/ well known.
Labour pain - hurt at work.
Lactose - people without toes.
Lymph - walk unsteadily.
Microbes - small dressing gown.
Obesity - city of Obe.
Pacemaker - winner of Nobel peace prize.
Proteins - in favour of teens.
Pulse - grain.
Pus - small cat.
Red blood count - Dracula.
Secretion - hiding anything.
Tablet - small table.
Ultrasound - radical noise.
Urine - opposite of you're out.
Varicose - very close.

C level

A boy came home from school with his BITS 2008 Exam results.
"What did u get?" asked his father.
"My marks are under water," said the boy.
"What do u mean 'under water'?"
"They are all below 'C' (sea) level"

DCE Results Joke

Father to son after DCE 2008 Exam: "Let me see your admit card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

Eccentric professor

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final dce delhi 2008 exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.
The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."
Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.
Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all.
His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"

BITS Exam 2008

You should not attempt these things during an actual BITS exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.

1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.

2. Get a copy of the bits exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"

3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.

4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.

5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm so sure you can hear me thinking. " Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

6. Bring cheerleaders.

7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand any of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who are you? Where's the regular guy?"

8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc. . . ). Play with the volume at max level.

9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.

10. Bring pets.

11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.

12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas. "If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.

13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.

14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.

15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.

16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.

17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.

18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.

20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the dce exam.

21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.

22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc. . ).

23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.

24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Forget this!" and walk out triumphantly.

25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i. e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink)

26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).

27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"

28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.

29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.

30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.

31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!"

32. Bring a water pistol with you.

33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.

34. Start a brawl in the middle of the dc exam.

35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.

36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.

37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.

38. Bring cheat sheets for another class (make sure this is obvious. . . like history notes for a calculus exam. . . otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit. "

39. When you walk in, complain about the heat.

40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.

41. One word: Wrestlemania.

42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.

43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.

44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.

45. Bring one pencil with a very sharp point. Break the point off your paper. Sharpen the pencil. Repeat this process for one hour.

46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc. . . sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.

47. During the bits exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.

48. Complete the bits exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.

49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think. " Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so".

50. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx is a Terrible Teacher"

DCE NSIT 2008 Solutions

These are reputedly real answers to questions on science tests.

When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

Water is composed of two gins, oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.

Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state.

When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.

Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars.

Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.

The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.

The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.

A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.

For fainting: Rub the person's chest, or, if it's a lady, rub her arm above the hand. Or put her head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor.

Equator: a menagerie lion running around Earth through Africa.

Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot.

The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is so that there is something to hitch the meat to.

To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.

The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain. The borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - A, E, I, O, and U.

DCE Question and Answers

An economist is a trained professional paid to guess wrong about the economy. An econometrician is a trained professional paid to use computers to guess wrong about the economy.Talk is cheap. Supply exceeds Demand. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Bentley's second Law of Economics: The only thing more dangerous than an economist is an amateur economist! --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Berta's Fundamental Law of Economic Rents.. "The only thing more dangerous than an amateur economist is a professional economist." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Definition: Policy Analyst is someone unethical enough to be a lawyer, impractical enough to be a theologian, and pedantic enough to be an economist. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Three econometricians went out hunting, and came across a large deer. The first econometrician fired, but missed, by a meter to the left. The second econometrician fired, but also missed, by a meter to the right. The third econometrician didn't fire, but shouted in triumph, "We got it! We got it!" --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: How has French revolution affected world economic growth?
A: Too early to say.
- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: What do economists and computers have in common?
A: You need to punch information into both of them.
- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: Why does Treasury only have 10 minutes for morning tea?
A: If they had any longer, they would need to re-train all the economists.
- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: Did you hear of the economist who dove into his swimming pool and broke his neck? A: He forgot to seasonally adjust his pool. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------NATURAL RATE OF UNEMPLOYMENT: Newlan's Truism: An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: Why did the market economist cross the road? A: To reach the consensus forecast. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: What does an economist use when calculating constant-dollar estimates? A: Deflator mouse --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: How many Chicago School economists does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. If the light bulb needed changing the market would have already done it. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: How many mainstream economists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. One to assume the existence of ladder and one to change the bulb. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: How many neo-classical economists does it take to change a light bulb? A: It depends on the wage rate. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: How many conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: How many B-school doctoral students does it take to change a light bulb? A: I'm writing my dissertation on that topic; I should have an answer for you in about five years.
- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: How many investors does it take to change a light bulb? A: None - the market has already discounted the change. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: How many Keynesian economists does it takes to change a light bulb? A: All. Because then you will generate employment, more consumption, dislocating the aggregate demand to the right.
- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: How many marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: None - the bulb contains within it the seeds of its own revolution. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------When drawing up the guest list for a dinner party, inviting more than 25% economists ruins the conversation. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Economics is the painful elaboration of the obvious.
- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: How many economists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Seven plus or minus ten.
- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: How many economists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Irrelevant - the light bulb's preferences are to be taken as given. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: What's the difference between an economist and a befuddled old man with Alzheimer's? A: The economist is the one with the calculator. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: What's the difference between economists and businessmen?
A: The first don't keep their feet on the ground; the latest use to keep their four feet in the ground --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Given 1000 economists, there will be 10 theoretical economists with different theories on how to change the light bulb and 990 empirical economists laboring to determine which theory is the *correct* one, and everyone will still be in the dark.
- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: Why did God create economists?
A: In order to make weather forecasters look good.
- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: What does an economist do?
A: A lot in the short run, which amounts to nothing in the long run.
- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Two economists meet on the street.One inquires, "How's your wife?" The other responds, "Relative to what?" --------------------------------------------------------------------------------To an economist, real life is a special case.
- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: How many economists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Eight. One to screw it in and seven to hold everything else constant.
- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Economists have forecasted nine out of the last five recessions.
- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------When an economist says the evidence is "mixed," he or she means that theory says one thing and data says the opposite.
- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Econometrics is the art of drawing a crooked line from an unproved assumption to a foregone conclusion." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: Why has astrology been invented?
A: So that economy could be an accurate science.

Taking the final exam

Two college basketball players were taking an important final dce exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank.The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a ________." Bubba was stumped. He had no idea what to answer. But he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed.Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder. "Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?" Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to Bubba. "Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a FARM." "Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember now." He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Tapping Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?" "You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O."

DCE Exam Questions

Father: How were the exam questions ?

Son: Easy

Father: Then why look so unhappy ?

Son: The questions didn't give me any trouble, just the answers !

CET 2008 Exam Joke

Two friends anoop & suneet meet each other after completing their CET 2008 Exam ( Indraprastha University )

Anoop :Did you write your exam well?
Suneet : No,i just returned the blank paper.
Anoop : I too did the same.
Suneet: The teacher will think we copied

DCE Exam Joke

One night 4 college students from DCE were boozing till late night and didn't study for the exam which was scheduled for the next day.

in the morning they thought of a plan. they made themselves look as dirty and weird as they could with grease and dirt.

They then went up to the dean and said that they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their return the tyre of their car burst and they had to push the car all the way back and that they were in no condition to appear for the test.

Then dean was a just person so he said that you can have the retest after 3 days.

they said they will be ready by that time. on the third day

they appeared before the dean. the dean said that this was a special condition test.

all four were required to sit in separate classrooms of the college for the exam. they all agreed as they had prepared well in the last three days. the test consisted of 2 questions with total of 100 marks.

DCE Exam

A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death.

One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" and the whole classroom burst into laughter.

After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."

My Rezimay

Deer Sur,

I waunt to apply for the secritary job I seen in the paper. I can type real kwik wit one finggar and do sum Acounting 2.

I think I am good on the fone and I am a pepole person. Pepole really seam to respond good to me.

Im lookin for a jobb as a secritary but it kant be 2 complikaited

My spelling is not 2 good but find that I awfin get a job Bcuz of my persinalety.

My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am wurth,

I can start imeditely. Thank you in advanse 4 yore anser.

Hopifuly I M Yore best aplicant so phar.

Sinseerly,

Peggy May McBiggins

Employer's response:

Dear Peggy May,

It's OK, we have spell check. You can join this Monday.

Couple In Bed

A company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people.

In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours and the one with the best answer would get the job. The question was:

A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?

After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers.

The first one says, "My answer is, there is no answer."

The second one says, "My answer is, that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given."

The THIRD one says, "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names, it's either, Willie Turner or Willie Nailer.

HE GOT THE JOB!!!

Who Am I ?

One Monday morning a guy was in the neighborhood on his usual route.

As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars are in the driveway, his wonder is cut short by Billy the homeowner coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

"Wow Billy, looks like you guys had a hell of a party last night," the man comments.

Billy in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night, this is the first I have felt like moving since 4 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples over for our anniversary bash and got a bit wild. Hell we even got so drunk that around midnight we started playing WHO AM I."

The guy thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"

Billy continues between hung over gasps, "Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "units" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."

The guy laughs and says, "Damn I'm sorry I missed that."

Billy responds, "But your name was guessed four or five times."

Brotherly Love

Joe and Bob were two very different people and had lived in the same valley for several years. Despite their differences, their relationship was one of amiable cooperation. One day, to reward them for their spirit of coexistence, God decided to pay a visit and reward them for their spirit of brotherly love.

God gathered the two men together and spoke to Joe, "I am very pleased with the cooperative spirit the both of you have demonstrated. Bob because being black in this day and age has proved to be a trying experience, I will reward you with exactly double everything I reward Joe. I am now happy to grant you your 5 fondest wishes."

Joe, after thinking it over, wished he had a 50 room mansion erected on top of the mountain. Sure enough, on top of the eastern mountain, appeared a 50 room mansion. At the same time, for Bob, a 100 room mansion exactly twice the size of Joe's mansion appeared on top of the western mountain.

Joe was very happy and Bob was absolutely elated. Bob informed Joe that they needed food and transportation. Joe agreed and, for his 2nd and 3rd wishes, requested God to fill the pantries with delicious wares and provide him with 10 different cars.

Agreeably, God filled the pantries of both mansions. In the garage of Joe's mansion there appeared 10 different cars. In the garage of Bob's mansion appeared 20 different cars.

Next, Bob prompted Joe about the 4th wish, "Women... we need women!"

Joe, agreeing, asked God to furnish his 4th wish as 50 of the world's sexiest, most beautiful women. Instantly, standing in front of the Joe's mansion were 50 of the sexiest, most beautiful women in the world. At the same time, standing in front of Bob's mansion were 100 women, each twice as sexy and attractive as those given to Joe.

Both men were very happy and Bob danced around and exclaimed, "Go, Man! Make more wishes! Make more wishes! Oh, Lordy...this is our lucky day!...Every time you make a wish, I get twice as much...Wish, Man, Wish!"

Thinking the situation over, Joe turned to God and said, "Okay, for my 5th and final wish, I want you to remove ONE of my testicles!"

I Need a Woman

George desperately wants to fuck a woman, but all her lady- friends are out of town, or otherwise unavailable. He goes to a friend Joe, who is a gigolo.

"I need a woman, please help me out", he tells to his friend.

"OK, that's easy. Go with train. After three stops You must exit the train. There You will see a 3-floor building. Go to apartment no. 7. When the woman opens the door, just say, 'I came here to fuck You.'. It's as simple as this."

Off George goes. Time flies in a train, because George examines with his eyes all the women in the train. (unfortunately he misses one train- stop.) When he exits the train, he actually notices a three- floor house (but this is another one). He goes to apartments no. 7 and tells the lady, "I'm here to Fuck You".

They get inside, undressed and right to the bed. After few "rounds" George hears that someone opening the front door. He tries to dress himself, but he's not fast enough.

The husband enters: "IN WHICH TRAIN STOP I DID TELL YOU TO EXIT!" yells Joe.

How to shop during Christmas

On our last venture out for Christmas shopping, we had bought a few gadgets for the younguns and then realized we didn't have any batteries.

I stepped over to the counter to get the batteries, but I couldn't attract any clerk's attention.

I waited a while then said to April, "I'll get someone's attention. Stay right here." With what, I pulled out a tape measure I just happened to have with me, and started to measure" one of those large screen plasma television sets. You know the ones that go for about $4000.

Amazingly, a clerk almost leap-frogged over several pieces of furniture to reach my side.

"Sir! Can I help you?" he exclaimed.

"Yeah, you can. I'll take 8 of those batteries over there."

1922 in USA

"June 30, 1922. Washington policeman Bill Norton measuring the distance between knee and suit at the Tidal Basin bathing beach after Col. Sherrell, Superintendent of Public Buildings and Grounds, issued an order that suits not be over six inches above the knee." National Photo Co. [Originally posted June 19, 2007.]

Lovely and Funny and Logical

A 45 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth!

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as Well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied: "I didn't recognize you."

Zip It UP

A patient with severe stomach ache went to doctor who advised operation and removal of Appendix. Operation over and discharged.

Pain reappeared. After examining him doctor said “During the operation, a scissors has been left in the stomach. We will remove it".

After getting discharged, once again there was severe pain in the abdomen. Patient became furious. Doctor after examining said in an apologetical tone, "Sorry Sir, there was a mistake. A scalpel is inside the abdomen. It has to be removed. The operation will be done at our cost."

Patient agreed. Operation was successful. After removing the scalpel, the doctors were about to suture the wound. At that time, anesthetic effect had gone and patient became conscious. He told "Don’t suture the wound. Instead put a Zip so that I myself can take out anything left inside!”

Paying the bill

A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money.

The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn’t been paid.

The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, “We can’t ship your new order until you pay for the last one.”

The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call, “Please cancel the order. We can’t wait that long.”

Jokes on Attorney/Witness

These are from a book called Disorder in the American
Courts, and are things people actually said in court,
word for word, taken down and now published by court
reporters that had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

WITNESS: July 18th.

ATTORNEY: What year?

WITNESS: Every year.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your
memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of
something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?

WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember
which.

ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?

WITNESS: Forty-five years.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to
you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Mary.

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person
dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the
next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? 

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how
old is he?

WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one. 

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was
taken?

WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was
August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Uh....

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a
beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant
to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you
performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What
School did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined
body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering
why I was doing an autopsy on him!

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine
sample?

WITNESS: Huh?

And the best for last

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy,
did you check For a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient
was alive When you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk
in a jar.

ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been
alive And practicing law.

Why Microsoft shouldn't make Cars

At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments/General Motors issued a press release stating the following: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would accept this, restart, and drive on.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart; in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought 'Car95' or 'CarNT.' Then you would have to buy more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that's powered by the sun, more reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

7. The oil, water, temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single 'general car fault' warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same butt size.

9. The airbag system would say 'Are you sure?' before going off.

10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps, even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 per cent or more.

12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

13. You'd press the 'Start' button to shut off the engine.

I m too smart for the first grade

A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Johnny what is your problem?"

Johnny answered, "I m too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!"

The teacher had had enough. She took Johnny to the principal's office.

While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Johnny was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Johnny: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Johnny: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grade student should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Johnny can go to the third grade."

The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"

The principal and Johnny both agree.

The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Johnny, after a moment, "Legs."

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!

Johnny replied, "Pockets." Now no reactions or special face symbols on Johnny's face. He was so cool!

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Johnny: "Pants"

Teacher: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?

Now, the principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny was taking charge.

Johnny: Coconut

Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?

Johnny: Bubblegum

Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?

Johnny: Shake hands

Teacher: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, answer me.

Johnny: Yep.

Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.

Johnny: tent

Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored.

The best man always has me first.

The principal was looking restless and bit tensed.

Johnny: wedding ring

Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.

Johnny: nose

Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.

Johnny: arrow

Teacher: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?

Johnny: "Firetruck"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Johnny in the fifth grade. I missed the last ten questions