Police Call Center :-)

Lipstick in school

According to a news report, a certain school in Garden City, MI was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the washroom.That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. He called all the girls to the washroom and met them there with the maintenance man. He explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, he asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. THE MORAL OF THIS STORY.. There are teachers, and then there are Educators.

The Bosses Expectation

Why I didn't take GRE...... Hilariours

A NORMAL PERSON: People who live in glass houses should not throw stones.

GRE STUDENT: Individuals who make their abodes in vitreous edifices would be advised to refrain from catapulting perilous projectiles.

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NORMAL PERSON: Twinkle, twinkle, little star.

GRE STUDENT: Scintillate, scintillate, asteroid minim.

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NORMAL PERSON: All that glitters is not gold.

GRE STUDENT: All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.

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NORMAL PERSON: Beggars are not choosers

GRE STUDENT: Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted.

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NORMAL PERSON: Dead men tell no tales

GRE STUDENT: Male cadavers are incapable of rendering any testimony.

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NORMAL PERSON: Beginner's luck

GRE STUDENT: Neophyte's serendipity.

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NORMAL PERSON: A rolling stone gathers no mass

GRE STUDENT: A revolving lithic conglomerate accumulates no congeries of small, green, biophytic plant.

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NORMAL PERSON: Birds of a feather flock together

GRE STUDENT: Members of an avian species of identical plumage tend to congregate.

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NORMAL PERSON: Beauty is only skin deep

GRE STUDENT: Pulchritude possesses solely cutaneous profundity.

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NORMAL PERSON: Cleanliness is godliness

GRE STUDENT: Freedom from incrustations of grime is contiguous to rectitude.

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NORMAL PERSON: There's no use crying over spilt milk

GRE STUDENT: It is fruitless to become lachrymose of precipitately departed lactile fluid.

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NORMAL PERSON: You can't try to teach old dog new tricks

GRE STUDENT: It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with innovative maneuvers.

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NORMAL PERSON: Look before you leap

GRE STUDENT: Surveillance should precede saltation.

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NORMAL PERSON: He, who laughs last, laughs best

GRE STUDENT: The person presenting the ultimate cachinnation possesses thereby the optimal cachinnation.

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NORMAL PERSON: All work and no play make Jack a dull boy.

GRE STUDENT: Exclusive dedication to necessitous chores without interludes of hedonistic diversion renders Jack a hebetudinous fellow.

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NORMAL PERSON: Where there's smoke, there's fire!

GRE STUDENT: Where there are visible vapours having their provenance in ignited carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration.

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In Order Of Stupidity...

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping. (Darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?

On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???.....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????....)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time)?

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness..." (and...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what)?

On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (Oh my God...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

The Top Ten Weird Dismissals Of Cricket!!

Meet Very kind Layer

One afternoon a lawyer (probably a barrister) was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, too."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."

Ultimate excuse never heard before. :-)

A guy bought a new Mercedes and was out on Highway 2 for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 140 km/h, he suddenly saw red and blue flashing lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 150, 160...

Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What in the world am I doing?" he thought, and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day," said the cop. "This is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

Seniors enjoying Chocolate

A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.

She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After approx. 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about eight times.

At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they do not eat the peanuts themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them.

"Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled.

Whereupon the old lady answers, “We just love the chocolate around them."

Old Age

Two elderly people living in Trailer Estates, he was a Widower and she a widow, had known each other for a number of years.

One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. The two were at the same table; across from one another as the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage to ask her, “Will you marry me?"

After about six seconds of ' careful consideration’, she answered "Yes. Yes, I will. "

The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places.

Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.

First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"

He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I Meant it with all my heart.” Then she continued, "I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."

Cute Drawing's

Some Rules cann't be followed

A lady manager of a big reputed office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into her office.

"What is your name?" was the first thing she asked the new guy.

"John," the new guy replied.

She scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority.

I refer to my employees by their last name only ... Smith, Jones, Baker ...that's all.

I am to be referred to only as Mrs. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed, "Darling............ My name is John Darling."

" Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . . "

My Office Time Table

The Perfect Husband...

Several men are in the changing room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and began to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello" WOMAN: "Darling, it's me. Are you at the club?"


MAN: "Yes" WOMAN: "I am at the shopping centre and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"


MAN: "Sure, Go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."


MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "£70,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."


WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ... The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £950,000"
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of 900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It really is a pretty good price."


WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the changing room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....

He smiles and asks: "Anyone knows who this phone belongs to?"

Paper Art: Part 6

Where is God... :-)

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are extremely mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know all about it. If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.

So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,

"Do you know where God is, son?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!"

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.

The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God?!"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time.

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("I just LOVE reading next line again and again")

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GOD is missing, and they think we did it!!!!!!!!!

How to Sell a expensive watch

There was a gentleman walking with two heavy suitcases in an airport terminal.

Someone approached and asked him what time it was. The gentleman bends down to park the two heavy suitcases and stares at his watch. But this was no ordinary watch!

He touches a tiny button and his administrative assistant's face appears.

He asks her, "Mary, what time is it?" Mary answers instantly and with a smile!

The questioner is thoroughly impressed!!!

He asks, "What kind of a watch is that?"

"It's like a TV with two-way real-time communication," the gentleman explains. He adds that the watch is the latest technology with Intel's brand new 128-bit chip with processor speed of 10 Gigahertz.

The onlooker is now quite impressed and wanted to know if he could buy this watch from the gentleman. They agree on a heavy price and the cash was handed immediately. The gentleman takes his watch out and hands it over and then walks away.

The new owner stares at the two heavy suitcases and shouts, "Sir, you forgot your suitcases."

The gentleman stops, smiles, and replies, "No, they are yours now. They are the modems you always need to carry for your new watch.

Big John does not pay

Hi all

Here goes my first one, hope u all enjoy

A puny bus driver pulled up at a stop, and a giant of a man got in, "Big John does not pay", he thundered, the bus driven did not want to argue with a man of that size, so he kept quiet. Next day, the same thing happened, the giant got in "Big John does not pay" he thundered. This went on for about 7 days. The bus driver by now was starting to resent this, and he did not want to take it lying down, so he joined a Gym, and started an intensive course in body building, after 3 weeks, and with big bulging muscles, he pulled up at the stop, the giant got in " Big John does not pay" said, the driver rose up and showing his muscles said " OH yeah " and why does Big JOhn does not pay " he shouted. The giant reached inside his pocket, the driver feared for the worse

the giant said " because Big John has bus pass" showing his bus pass to the driver.

OLD IS WHEN

"OLD" IS WHEN ... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one; I can't do both!"

"OLD" IS WHEN ... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... "Getting a little action" means you don't need to take any fiber today

"OLD" IS WHEN ... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... An "all nighter" means not getting up to use the bathroom.

Fact About Husband and wife

Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.

It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged.
It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.

A man who surrenders when he's wrong, is Honest.
A man who surrenders when not Sure, is Wise. A man who surrenders even if he's Right, is a Husband.

Why do Bride & Groom exchange varmaala during wedding?
To tell each other affectionately... Sweetheart U R Dead!

Different Phases of a man:
After engagement: Superman
After Marriage: Gentleman
After 10 years: Watchman
After 20 years: Doberman


There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it. There is only one perfect wife in the world and every neighbour has it

Prospective husband: Do you have a book called 'Man, The Master of Women'?
Salesgirl: The fiction department is on the other side, sir.

Man receives telegram: Wife dead-should be buried or cremated?
Man: Don't take any chances. Burn the body and bury the ash.

We are very keen on cleanliness

Boss (to the new employee): We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?



New employee: Yes, sir.



Boss: We are also keen on truthfulness. There is no mat.

What is the truest definition of Globalization

Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?

Answer: Princess Diana's death.

Question: How come?

Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles; treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines. This is sent to you by an Indian, using Bill Gate’s technology, and you're probably reading this on your computer, that use Taiwanese chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by Pakistan lorry-drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked to you by Mexican illegal..... That, my friend, is Globalization

What is legal, but not logical....

After having failed his exam in "Logistics and Organization", a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"

Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"

Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an "A" for the exam. "

Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?"

Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?"

Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as agreed.

Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.

He immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife's lover an "A", although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical."

Future Kitchen

Judge can't judge a lawyer

A young lawyer was defending a wealthy businessman in a complicated lawsuit.

Unfortunately, the evidence was against his client, and he feared the worst.

So the lawyer asked the senior partner of the law firm if it would be appropriate to send the judge a box of Havana cigars.

The partner was horrified. "The judge is an honorable man," the partner exclaimed.

"If you do that, I can guarantee you will lose the case!"

Weeks later the judge ruled in favor of the lawyer's client.

The partner took him to lunch to congratulate him. "Aren't you glad you didn't send those cigars to the judge?"

The partner asked. “But I did send them,"

Replied the lawyer. "I just enclosed the complainant's lawyer's business card!”

HOW HAPPY IS LIFE WITHOUT A GIRLFRIEND

Reasons why LIFE without a Girl Friend is cool

1. You can stare at any Girl

2. You don't have to spend money on her

3. You won't get boring result in your board papers

4. No girlfriend, no emotional blackmailing

5. If u don't have a girlfriend, she can't dump u

6. Having a girlfriend is hot, not having a girlfriend is automatically cool, and every one loves to be a cool guy

7. This can be more to life than just waiting for the bloody phone to ring

8. You won't have to tolerate someone else defining, "right" and "wrong" for u

9. Girlfriend can get so possessive that you can't do anything according ur wishes anymore

10. You can buy gifts for mom, dad, sis or grandpa instead of a girlfriend and have a happier family life

11. You won't have to waste paper writing love letters. No more endless waiting for your date to arrive at some weird shop place

12. You can have more friends, as u will have more time for them

13. You wont have to see boring love stories instead of sports

14. You wont have to tell lie to anybody and, therefore, u'll sin less

15. You can have good night's sleep-no need to dream about her

16. You won’t have to fight over having a 'special' friend with your folks

17. No nonstop nonsense

18. You wont have drown in the pool of her tears

19. No tension

20. You can be "yourself"

21. You won’t have to hide your telephone bills

What a coincidence

Celebration

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

"What a coincidence," he said, "This is a special day for me. I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating," says the woman.

"What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I switched cocks," he replied.

She smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"

Damn good explanation

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman, and was somewhat upset.

"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me - a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!"

And Paddy (for it was he) replied "Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you what happened."

"Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, "but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"

And Paddy began - "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight.
The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same...

" Here Paddy took a quick breath and continued, "She was so grateful for my understanding and help, and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, "Please... do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"

A kind of employment farewell mail HR would die for

Dear Co-Workers and Managers,

As many of you probably know, today is my last day. But before I leave, I wanted to take this opportunity to let you know what a great and distinct pleasure it has been to type "Today is my last day."

For nearly as long as I've worked here, I've hoped that I might one day leave this company. And now that this dream has become a reality, please know that I could not have reached this goal without your unending lack of support. Words cannot express my gratitude for the words of gratitude you did not express.

I would especially like to thank all of my managers both past and present but with the exception of the wonderful Saroj Hariprashad: in an age where miscommunication is all too common, you consistently impressed and inspired me with the sheer magnitude of your misinformation, ignorance and intolerance for true talent. It takes a strong man to admit his mistake - it takes a stronger man to attribute his mistake to me.

Over the past seven years, you have taught me more than I could ever ask for and, in most cases, ever did ask for. I have been fortunate enough to work with some absolutely interchangeable supervisors on a wide variety of seemingly identical projects - an invaluable lesson in overcoming daily tedium in overcoming daily tedium in overcoming daily tedium.

Your demands were high and your patience short, but I take great solace knowing that my work was, as stated on my annual review, "meets expectation." That is the type of praise that sends a man home happy after a 10 hour day, smiling his way through half a bottle of meets expectation scotch with a meets expectation cigar. Thanks Trish!

And to most of my peers: even though we barely acknowledged each other within these office walls, I hope that in the future, should we pass on the street, you will regard me the same way as I regard you: sans eye contact.

But to those few souls with whom I've actually interacted, here are my personalized notes of farewell:

To Philip Cress, I will not miss hearing you cry over absolutely nothing while laying blame on me and my coworkers. Your racial comments about Joe Cobbinah were truly offensive and I hope that one day you might gain the strength to apologize to him.

To Brenda Ashby whom is long gone, I hope you find a manager that treats you as poorly as you have treated us. I worked harder for you then any manager in my career and I regret every ounce of it. Watching you take credit for my work was truly demoralizing.

To Sylvia Keenan, you should learn how to keep your mouth shut sweet heart. Bad mouthing the innocent is a negative thing, especially when your talking about someone who knows your disgusting secrets. ; )

To Bob Malvin (Mr. Cronyism Jr), well, I wish you had more of a back bone. You threw me to the wolves with that witch Brenda and I learned all too much from it. I still can't believe that after following your instructions, I ended up getting written up, wow. Thanks for the experience buddy, lesson learned.

Don Merritt (Mr. Cronyism Sr), I'm happy that you were let go in the same manner that you have handed down to my dedicated coworkers. Hearing you on the phone last year brag about how great bonuses were going to be for you fellas in upper management because all of the lay offs made me nearly vomit. I never expected to see management benefit financially from the suffering of scores of people but then again, with this company's rooted history in the slave trade it only makes sense.

To all of the executives of this company, Jamie Dimon and such. Despite working through countless managers that practiced unethical behavior, racism, sexism, jealousy and cronyism, I have benefited tremendously by working here and I truly thank you for that. There was once a time where hard work was rewarded and acknowledged, it's a pity that all of our positive output now falls on deaf ears and passes blind eyes. My advice for you is to place yourself closer to the pulse of this company and enjoy the effort and dedication of us "faceless little people" more. There are many great people that are being over worked and mistreated but yet are still loyal not to those who abuse them but to the greater mission of providing excellent customer support. Find them and embrace them as they will help battle the cancerous plague that is ravishing the moral of this company.

So, in parting, if I could pass on any word of advice to the lower salary recipient ("because it's good for the company") in India or Tampa who will soon be filling my position, it would be to cherish this experience because a job opportunity like this comes along only once in a lifetime.

Meaning: if I had to work here again in this lifetime, I would sooner kill myself.

To those who I have held a great relationship with, I will miss being your co-worker and will cherish our history together. Please don't bother responding as at this very moment I am most likely in my car doing 85 with the windows down listening to Biggie.

One!

I think my wife is having an affair

Three best friends are talking about problems at work. The first friend says, "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."

The second friend says, "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber. The other day I found a wrench under our bed and it wasn't mine."

The third friend says, "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse!" Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. "No I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey
under our bed."

Honey, what's for Dinner..... :-)

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.

If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and s o on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."

Then in! A normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"

No response.

So the husband moves to closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again he gets no response;

So he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?”

"James, for the FIFTH time I've said, CHICKEN!"

Moral of the story:

The problem may not be with the other one as we always think, could be very much within us..!

The House of Prostitution

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye.....It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES


He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought..... Soon he sees another sign, which says:



SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES


Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real.... Then he drives past a third sign saying:



SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT


His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.... On the side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:


SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS


He climbs the steps and rings the bell.... The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business.".

"Very well my son. Please follow me."

He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door".............

He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door. This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway ."

He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him.

As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:..........


GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED
BY THE SISTERS OF ST FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

Remove one word at a time

Ever noticed how deleting one word after the other in a sentence can lead to a nice story?

Look at the way the lady gets excited!!



Oh John please don't touch me at all...!


Oh John please don't touch me at...!


Oh John please don't touch...!


Oh John please don't...!


Oh John please...!


Oh John..!


Ohhh........

Diet FAQ (Too funny) ;)

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a lamb eat? Leaves and corn. And what are these? Vegetables.
So a kabab is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.Need grain?Eat chicken.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain.
Its only the misconception, that narrow minded people have. So, Bottoms up!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO...... Cocoa beans ... another vegetable! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets..........

Have a healthy day ahead....

Toughest MBA Exam Ever

ONE NIGHT 4 MBA STUDENTS WERE BOOZING TILL LATE NIGHT AND DIDN'T STUDY FOR THE TEST WHICH WAS SCHEDULED FOR THE NEXT DAY.

IN THE MORNING THEY THOUGHT OF A PLAN. THEY MADE THEMSELVES LOOK DIRTY AND WEIRD AS THEY COULD WITH GREASE AND DIRT. THEY THEN WENT UP TO THE DEAN AND SAID THAT THEY HAD GONE OUT TO A WEDDING LAST NIGHT AND ON THEIR RETURN THE TYRE OF THEIR CAR BURST AND THEY HAD TO PUSH THE CAR ALL THE WAY BACK AND THAT THEY WERE IN NO CONDITION TO APPEAR
FOR THE TEST.

SO THE DEAN SAID THEY CAN HAVE THE RETEST AFTER 3 DAYS.THEY SAID THEY WILL BE READY BY THAT TIME.

ON THE THIRD DAY THEY APPEARED BEFORE THE DEAN. THE DEAN SAID THAT THIS WAS A SPECIAL CONDITION TEST. ALL FOUR WERE REQUIRED TO SIT IN SEPARATE CLASSROOMS FOR THE TEST. THEY ALL AGREED AS THEY HAD PREPARED WELL IN THE LAST THREE DAYS.

THE TEST CONSISTED OF 3 QUESTIONS WITH TOTAL OF 100 MARKS.

Q .1. Write down the name, color and number of the car (WEDDING).

(2 MARKS)

Q.2. Write down the location (PLACE) of the wedding.

(2 MARKS)

Q.3. WHICH TYRE BURST ------- (96 MARKS)

What Can you say about these Kids....

Are You My Daddy??

A baby was born so advanced in development he could talk.

He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor.

"Are you my doctor?" he asked.

"Why, yes, I am," said the doctor.

The baby said, "Thank you for taking such good care of me during the birth."

He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my Mummy?"

"Yes, dear, I am," said the mother, beaming.

"Thank you for taking such Good care of me before I was born," he said.

He then looked at his father and asked, "Are you my Daddy?"

"Yes, I am," his father proudly answered.

The baby motioned him closer, then poked him repeatedly on the

Forehead with his index finger.

"Hurts, doesn't it!?"

HEART

In a kindergarten class, the teacher asks the class to describe "heart".

The 1st girl raise her hand and stood up and said “heart is red in color".

Teacher praise the girl.

Teacher: “Anyone else can give me another answer?”

Another girl raises her hand and got up and said “heart pumps blood".

Teacher praise the girl.

Teacher: “One more answer?”

A little boy got up and said “heart has legs"

Amused and puzzled, the teacher asks the boy why he said heart has legs.

The boy said: "I was outside my daddy's room last night and heard my daddy said "Sweet Heart, Open Your Legs" You see, heart got legs!!

I RATHER HAVE A PUPPY

A little boy and his dad were walking down the Street when they saw two dogs having sex.

The little boy asks his father, “Daddy, what are they doing?"

The father says, "Making a puppy" So they walk on and go home.

A few days later, the little boy walks in on his parents having sex.

The little boy says "Daddy, what are you doing?

"The father replies, "Making a baby."

The l! ittle boy says "hmmmm, can you please flip Mommy around?

I'd rather have a puppy instead!"

SEX EDUCATION

A Primary School teacher decides to teach sex education to her class.

She starts out by drawing a penis on the chalk board and asks the class,

"Does anyone know what this is?"

And little Johnny says, "Yes, my dad has 2 of them!"

And the teacher says, "Are you sure about that?"

And little Johnny says, "Yes, he uses a small skinny one to go to the bathroom and a big long one to torture my mummy with."

DEAD GOLD FISH

Little Tim was in the garden filling a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"

"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, and I've just buried him.

“The neighbor said, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it, Tim?"

Tim patted down the last heap of earth and replied, "That's because I couldn't get him out of your cat."

THE WHOLE TRUTH

At school, a boy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth".

The boy decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him a $50 note and says, "Just don't tell your father.” Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, And greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father also promptly hands him a $50 note and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door.

The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your FATHER a big hug."

WHISPER

A mother took her little boy to church.

While in church the little boy said, "Mommy, I have to pee."

The mother said to the little boy,

"It's not appropriate to say the word 'pee' in church.

So, from now on whenever you have to 'pee' just tell me that you have to "'whisper.'"

The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father,

"Daddy, I have to whisper."

The father looked at him and said, "Okay, why don't you whisper in my ear."